With brave wings she flies...

Here's a small story to begin with...

There was once a lil' girl born to very loving parents. She was brought up to be strong, to be kind, to be respectful, and to always stand up for what she believed in - even if that meant standing alone sometimes. She was taught never to hurt people, she was taught to help people around her, she was taught to see the good in people, and love them for who they are. She was taught to work hard, and make her mark in the hearts of people in her life. For as long as she lived with her parents, she saw kindness and strength in her mother, and ambition and respect in her father. She did not know at that young age what all this meant. Why were her parents teaching her to be strong at such a young age? She was just a child. A child who was loved. Loved immensely by everyone around her. A child beaming with laughter. A child who her parents and family adored. A child who always felt safe in the arms of her loved ones. A child who had a home, and people she could trust and talk to.

Let's talk about this now...

How would you feel if you ever wanted to talk to someone, and you had no one? How would you feel that you have these words, and feelings that you need to pour out, but have no one who would listen to them? How would you feel if you ever wanted to talk about what was going on in your heart and mind, and all you were told was to be quiet? Do you know how it feels to not talk, not speak about how you feel, not have anyone around who would just sit and listen to you - listen to you talk about anything and everything you want to. Do you know how it feels to be left without a place to live? Do you know how it feels to be left on the side of the road in the middle of the night? Do you know how it feels to have all your belongings taken away from you in a country far away from your home, away from people who would be there for you in a heartbeat, and be told that you deserve this? Do you know how it feels to sleep on the bench in the park in the middle of the night shivering in the cold breeze? I do.

We all have that one person, our go-to person who we can share anything with. In most cases, it is either one of our siblings, or a best friend, or a spouse, or a parent. But, what if the person you chose to talk to everything with abandons you? How would that make you feel? How would that make you feel if you weren't able to share your emotions, and your feelings for 6 long years? Would it make you emotionless? Or would it make you feel abandoned? Or would it make you feel unloved, and uncared for? And last of all, would it change you? It changed me.

I don't know. I don't know how you would feel. But I felt alone and lonely. I felt a void in my heart every morning I woke up. I felt like a burden on the person I woke up next to. I felt like a burden on myself. I felt depressed, anxious, and unwanted. You would ask, why did I not get out of this situation? And to that I would answer I don't know. Did I ever want to get out of that situation? Yes! Everyday I woke up, I had suicidal thoughts. And just like all other thoughts that were locked up inside of me, these thoughts were also guarded. But, the problem was that I did have these thoughts. Would I act upon it? I did.

Ever since I posted that blog about my break up with my ex husband, I received over 500 messages. Messages that show pity, messages that portray sympathy, messages of encouragement, messages of anger, messages of suggestions, messages of similar situations, messages asking questions, messages of hatred, messages of love, messages of support, messages offering me numbers to talk to, messages making me want to believe in love again, and so many more. Thank you. My heartfelt thanks to people who have genuinely cared for me, and my heartfelt love and encouragement to people who had the time and energy to judge my situation and write me hate messages. I hope some day you find the strength to go through what I have been through, and still hate yourself. I will drink to that tonight. Now judge me for all I care.

I have had ample opportunities to talk about my feelings over the last couple of months. I have had ample support from everyone who knows me and who wants to sympathize with me because of my "situation". But I still choose to keep my words and my feelings to myself. I choose to show strength everyday I open my eyes. I choose to keep my emotions enclosed in the tiniest corner of my heart. Yes, I want to be in bed every morning. Not because I want to sleep more. But because being alone is a lonely road and one where you are judged not because of who you are, but what your past was. But, I choose strength over negativity. I choose to ignore every voice and glance coming my way. I choose quiet. It's because my mother since my childhood taught me to be kind and to choose my words carefully for people who are judging me are going through their own battles.

All my life, I was so scared of loving myself, of doing things I wanted to because we are always taught to care about our society, and "behave appropriately". But, if I may ask today - who is "society"? And who decides what is "appropriate" and what is not? Why is there such a taboo about being divorced, being single at 30 something, being childless, being more ambitious than your male counterparts, dating a divorced female, marrying a divorced female, being gay, talking about depression, and so many more issues that we as a society love judging, but do not want to talk about.

Why do guys who themselves go home with a crate of beer send me messages regarding me drinking wine and asking me if I am addicted to drinking? Who are you again? Why do girls have the need to message me and 'suggest' me to keep my private life private? Why do I need to respond to messages telling me that I should not be talking about my abusive marriage so openly? Why do I need to stay quiet about a guy who till date messages me asking me to take him back in one message, and abusing me and calling me a w***e in the next message. Why does he get to get any respect from me by keeping quiet about him, and not making his name public? Why?

Would girls messaging me about keeping "hush hush" about my divorce give the same advice to their sisters or daughters? And if you do or did, I will be the first one judging you. Do guys who judge me know how many times I have been dragged on the floor and slapped and punched on my face? Do these people know that I have been left on the side of the road like a 'prostitute' in the middle of the night on multiple occasions? Why? Because I refused to do 'as I was told'. I would not stroke a man's ego by putting myself down. I would not stay 'quiet' because somehow society thinks that is appropriate for a woman who wants to marry again. I would not put my ambition aside and stop doing things that make me happy because I am asked to do that.

A strong man would not ask me to be quiet for giving a boost to his ego. For him, my past does not define me. Just as your past does not define you. A strong man will choose to see beyond my imperfections, and respect what I stand for. For he knows that I am what I am because of the strength of my character, and that my stripes and bruises mean that I have lived through tough times and still managed to survive.

I loved my husband. Immensely. Everyone could see it in my eyes. I will never deny it. Not to my friends. Not to my parents. Not to the society. Not to anyone. But the truth is, he did not love me. He disrespected me and left me every chance he got. But, I stuck around and had hope. As much as I would hate to admit it, I was wrong. My love could not make him love me. My love for him did not make him a better person. Unfortunately, our love story wasn't an epic novel. It was a short story, but that doesn't make it any less filled with love from my side.

People who know me well they know I will go to the ends of this earth to love them, protect them, care for them, and stand by them in the toughest of times. People who don't know me well...well that's a story for another time....


P.S. The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous. - Carrie Bradshaw

My Tainted Heart!!

Oh God! I haven't written here for a while. I have wanted to write here for so long, sometimes even thought about taking out a few minutes of my time and writing a quick post. Just didn't have the time, and couldn't gather courage to write what my stupid heart wanted to write. But, today, here I am. Stronger, and with a clear mind...absolutely want to go ahead and write my first post after 4 long years!

Over these years, I have received so many messages from a lot of people asking me about my personal life. I have always maintained my quiet, thinking these questions one day will die down. And one day, i'll just tell it as is. One day, maybe, I wouldn't need to answer these questions...because deep down in my heart, I had hope. Hope that made me believe things, my life might change. But it didn't. And today, I just wanted to write an affirmation to myself, something that I can look at, never to have to look back again.

I was young, stupid, naive, silly, quirky, and a complete idiot when I passed out of college. I thought I had everything under control. I thought I knew what I wanted, and I will get it no matter what. I thought life was easy. I thought life would be worth falling in love with. I couldn't have been more wrong. A girl who was once the most pampered child of her family had to see what was about to come. It started with me losing my family - father, uncles, 2 brothers. The loss was massive. One that takes years to overcome. But, that didn't stop me from dreaming. I was always a dreamer. Always saw the good in people, in life, in moments, in everything. All I have ever wanted, and all I will ever want is to smile and be happy. Is that too much to ask? Maybe. Or maybe not!

I thought losing my family was the worst that could have happened to me. I couldn't have been more wrong. I met this guy who I fell in love with. I loved him with every breath I took. Because he was the only guy I ever loved. I wanted to spend my life with him, and I wanted that life to begin just at that moment. I do not know what drew me towards him. I do not know why he had this power over me - power I could not let go off. Power I did not want to let go off. People who know me know I love smiling, and I love being happy. You guys know that even the most powerful of setbacks never made me let go off my will to be happy.

When I met Nitin, it was love at first sight, and after that at every sight. There is not a shortage of the list of things I did for "earning" his love. Because I thought love needs to be earned. Like I previously said I was stupid. Don't judge me. He was unemployed when I met him. I helped him get a job so he could be with me. He demanded an XUV so his mother could have his car. I bought him one. Happily. Without a frown on my face.

When we got married, I was so happy. It was like a baby girl just got her favorite doll to play with. I thought now he would finally love me. Because it's just me in his life now. Maybe now he will see how much I loved him. My eyes yearned for his attention. All my heart ever wanted was his glance. Love in his glance. From waking up early in the mornings to make breakfast for him, to coming home after work and cooking dinner for a guy who would not even say thank you to me for attempting to do things I had never done in life. Was this the marriage I dreamed of? No. But this is what he gave me.

I spent every weekend alone in a house where there was no love. In the first month of my marriage, my husband told me he needed space from me. Every weekend which should have been spent with me, he wanted to spend that with his mum and his sisters. Because I bugged him too much. Because I wanted to talk, and watch silly girl movies with him, and I wanted to go to Select Citywalk with him like a normal couple. All I wanted was for him to spend time with me. But, maybe I wasn't enough for him. Maybe my love wasn't enough for him. After 5 months of my marriage with him where he broke tables, fridges, phones in the house and blamed me for bringing out this side of him, he left me. He left me at my mums house. He said he will come to me when he is ready to be with me. Right now, he just needed his family. What was I? Not family, ofcourse.

I spent 14 months without him. I lied to every person I met. I lied I was happy. I lied that my husband took care of me. I used to travel in buses to get to work at 8.30 in the morning from Sonipat. It used to take me 1.5 hrs just to get to work. All this while, he was at his mothers place, not caring about his wife. Even during the vows that couples take during their wedding, a husband promises to provide the bare minimum for his wife. In this marriage, the wife was providing, and was still being told that she's incompetent. She was told she was ugly, fat, unambitious, a small town who hadn't seen anything in life, needed to stop "hogging" on chocolates...the wife was just that, a piece of furniture in the house who he married but forgot she had a heart that used to beat.

In these 14 months, my husband used to visit me on weekends fortnightly when he felt like he could love me. Because that was the only way we could be together. In these 14 months, my mother-in-law never let me enter her house. And in these 14 months, my husband did not have the courage to stand up for me and leave his family to be with his wife. All this while, I thought it's ok. Maybe he is just burdened by his problems and cannot take a stand.

I started applying for my Masters/Ph.D to every possible university in every possible country that would offer me a spot. Luckily, I got through every university in New Zealand. I did all this just so my husband would love me. I thought once we move to New Zealand, he would finally love me. I mortgaged my house to pay for my fees. Because his mother refused to help us out financially. Her words "This is for Kanika's education, and she would benefit from it". I took a massive loan on my head and moved to Auckland. The night I had my flight, my husband asked me to pay his credit card bill which I refused. I was going alone to an unknown country, and I needed as much financial security as I could manage. My husband did not come to see me off at the airport. I had tears in my eyes, and hope in my heart that he will show up at the last moment. He didn't.

When I reached Singapore for a layover, I called him up. He picked up and said he didn't come because I did not call him again and request him to come. It was my fault. Like always. After a month, Nitin came to Auckland. He showered me with love and gifts. For 20 odd days. After that, I started getting on his nerves again. We lived in a studio apartment I paid for, where I wasn't allowed to enter while he was sleeping. I made the library at Massey my bedroom. Made friends there who would bring me dinner, and blankets. One night, when I refused to give Nitin an ipod (out of the two ipods), he broke my laptop I was making my assignment on. He hit  me too (well I'll save this one for later). He packed his bags and decided to leave me. I touched his feet and begged him not to leave me. I was pathetic. He still did. Kicked me, and left me. He came back a day later and asked me to apologise. I did. It was my fault. I should have given him the ipod he asked for, and not the other one.

We now moved to a bigger house. I had my own room. He had his own. He needed to sleep, and he needed his space. I was competing with laptops, play stations, xboxes, and his mother. How did I ever think I'll win something like this. I kept trying though. I tried really hard to keep up my grades, to maintain the house, to do everything a good wife does, and alongside work to pay off my loan (yes, nitin never helped me pay it off). It just was never enough. I was never a good wife. If one day I wouldn't cook, he would tell me I was a failure. I was a pathetic wife. After a few months, my husband needed space again. Space from his clingy wife. So, he decided to leave me in Auckland, and visit his family for 2 months. In these 2 months, I was blocked on whatsapp, and whenever he would feel like talking to me, he would call. I was like a puppy in love with someone who only paid attention to me when he wanted to. And I thought it was okay. Maybe that's how all marriages are. Maybe, if I endure all this, he will love me one day. Maybe, he will see the nights I have spent crying just for his love.

When he came back to Auckland, he said he will never leave me. Provided I do what I am told, I do not make friends, and I buy him what he asks for. Because after all, he paid my rent for 8 months. I, like a fool, thought this was okay. As long as stupid Kanika got love from her husband. But, these were just my attempts - buying him gaming pc that costed me 2 months of salary, to buying him xboxes that he broke to shut me up, to buying him TV's that he broke to again threaten me. Like he said, I was pathetic. It's true. I might not have been a pathetic wife. But I sure as hell was a pathetic human being, who after getting hit at least on 10 different occasions, being left on 4 different occasions thought that her husband would love her. How could he? It was never a two sided love story. It was just me trying to make someone fall in love with me. A failed attempt.

After all this, after multiple visa renewals, after multiple fake promises of being together forever, after calling me a bastard, a w***e, and so many different names, he left me again last year. Am I really that bad? Do I ask too much of a person? Am I actually too clingy? Is it wrong to love and wanted to be loved? These were the questions that played in my mind for a year when I cried myself to sleep every night for 8 months when my husband did not think how will my wife complete her studies. I cried so much that the tears in my eyes died. This year in February, I again helped him in getting his visa renewed. Despite every person warning me against it, despite every bone in my body asking me not to. I still helped him. Once again thinking he would now love me.

He came to Auckland in February, and within a week took the car from me and gave it to another female. A car I helped him pay off. A car I took care of when he wasn't here. A car I could have easily transferred to my name, but chose not to. He gave it to another female because he trusted her more than he trusted me. He saw me more independent this year, stronger, and unwilling to bend in front of him. He saw me make friends who I relied on. He saw me as an amazing driver who could drive over 100km without making a mistake. He saw someone who was ambitious enough to put herself first. And he couldn't take it. He said he loved me, and then left me once again. Within 7 days. All it took was 7 days for his love to go from 100% to -100%. After reaching India, he blamed me for getting him out of the country. Once again, stupid Kanika was told she wasn't enough. She just wasn't good enough. I was written letters of hatred from his mother, sisters, aunties just to let me know that I would rot in hell because I hurt Nitin. I have loved him so much that I always thought he would come back to me. But after all these months, he asked me to send him a ticket so he could come. I refused. I have been conned enough and I know how it is when there is no one to support you. Why is it that only I had to want him? Why couldn't he want me enough to be with me?

My life might look very flash to people on the outside. It isn't. I have had days and nights when I have not slept at all. I have had to work 80 hours a week just so I could pay off my education loan that my husband promised he would help me pay off. I have done jobs just to support myself. I have managed to write a part of my thesis and completed one degree. Am I proud of myself? Yes I am. I am proud of the person I have become. I am happy I have worked hard for everything and did not con my way like Nitin did. I cannot make someone take a loan of 35 lakhs, promise to help them out, and run away. I do not have the courage to look into the eyes of a mother and promise them to love their child, and still run away leaving them in problems. Yes, I loved him. Heaps. But I love myself too. I have had months where I had no one to talk to. I was scared of talking to anyone. He ripped me off my self respect, and courage. A girl who used to be always happy started thinking if she was even good enough to be friends with. I am still scared of meeting new people. I am still apprehensive of opening up my heart to anyone. I still spend days and nights over analysing situation and myself. I ask myself everyday "will I ever be enough for someone"?

He messages me almost daily. Asking me to come back to India. He says he loves me in one text, and says I am a w***e in the next. He abuses me for not coming back to India, but says he does this because he loves me and wants to be with me. He says he wants to have a family with me. It's been 5 years since I got married. I was a small town girl who was happy with what she had. All I ever wanted was love. All I ever wanted was 2 kids and a loving husband. That's all. Did I get that? Not yet. Do I cry thinking what happened to my life? I do. When I look at kids, when I look at wives getting dressed up on karwachauth, when I see husband post a loving message on facebook, when I see a couple walking in the mall, when I want to cuddle someone in the night, yes I cry. But that's ok. These years of my life have made me the strongest version of myself.

But that hasn't stopped my heart from beating. That still hasn't stopped me in believing in a happily ever after. Maybe just one day, I might run into someone who would see the good in me. Just maybe one day, my 'divorced' status would not matter to someone. But that's a story for another day. I still believe in love. I still believe in happy endings. I still am a hopelessly romantic girl. I still am waiting patiently to fall in love once again.

In all this, I want to thank my brother, and my best friend Kriti Misra, two people who have stuck with me through thick and thin. She is not my sister, but she means more to me than my sister, and more than she would ever know!

P.S. Some people won't love you no matter what you do. And some people won't stop loving you no matter what you do!

Straight from the Heart...

Fairytales are so romantic. Each one of us has had their mum reading them bedtime stories. A beautiful princess meets her prince. The prince woos the lady. He floors her, gifts her, compliments her, makes her feel loved, they both forget everyone and everything around them- living happily ever after. And so we start living our own fairytale from childhood. Our entire life, we spend each day in pursuit of love and that one person who we can spend our life with. A life where the prince would adore his princess, where he would make her feel 'the' most important, where he would just be there for her. A life which the princess had always dreamt of.

Families in our world are crazy. Our entire life we are made to believe in love, in adoration, in respect, in happily ever afters. We are made to believe in a prince. We are made to believe by our parents that 'girls are their daddy's and mommy's princesses'. That one fine day a knight in shining armour will appear infront of them from no where and will sweep them off their feet to take them to a faraway wonderland. A wonderland where everything will be pretty and where the princess will live with his prince happily ever after.

And so we dream. We wait. We are patient. We seek. We spend each day in pursuit of love. We look around and our eyes wander looking for that one person who can be the prince. My prince. My prince who would treat me like a princess.

The prince makes the princess fall in love with him. He sweeps her off her feet. OMG, life is so beautiful. Thank God for all the years the princess waited for her prince. This is 'my' happily ever after. It finally has arrived. The prince proposes and they get married. They would make sweet love to each other, have fun together, do things that the princess has never done before, go out for lunches, dinners, around the world, meet friends, show off her prince to the world, make the world jealous of how she is so deeply loved and adored by the man of her dreams, and give birth to beautiful children, reading them the fairytale which stars their own 'parents'.

And suddenly we wake up. We wake up to the noise of doorbells, maids, utensils, in-laws, alarm clocks, microwaves, pressure cookers, crying kids, car honks. Whoa!!! This is not the sweet song in my fairytale. My fairytale was different. It was beautiful. It had sweet lullabies. It was not noisy. It was not work. It was not sleepless nights. It was not tiring. It was not this.

The princess wakes up at 6 a.m., sometimes to put on the geyser, and sometimes to open the door for the maid. The princess makes breakfast for her prince. She gets ready to go to the office, takes care of the kid, sends him/her to school, completes all her household chores, tidies the place, works her a** off in the office, works out in the gym (sometimes when she has the energy), meets friends/people, shops from the market, goes home, cooks dinner, cleans the kitchen, folds the clothes after washing, gives them for ironing, look pretty for her husband, have great sex with him even if she is tired and then maybe sleep at 1 in the night only to wake up at 6 next morning.

She does all this and more. But for what? This does not seem like a fairytale. But still she does it for her entire life. Just for one glance by her prince which says that she is loved and adored by the man she married. For those few words of appreciation which say that even if she is not perfect she is still great. For that one moment where the prince holds her in his arms just to tell her how much he loves her. For that one moment where her prince tells her that she is the prettiest lady he has ever laid his eyes on. For that one moment where he would thank her for all she does and apologise for all those moments where he has fought with her and made her feel weak and unloved. She does all this so that the prince notices that even after being imperfect, she tries hard to keep him happy. She does all this because despite her unfulfilled fairytale, she wants to live this fairytale with her prince. She does all this because she left her pampering parents and siblings to be with the man she trusted would now pamper her and take care of her.

Sometimes, Tiffanys', Chanels' and Diors' cannot do what a few kind words of appreciation can. Because someone famous once said - "There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about".

(P.S: The difference between an ordinary marriage and an extraordinary marriage is in giving just a little ‘extra’ every day, as often as possible, for as long as we both shall live!!)

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/married.html#BTAWhFBDIsJI98cT.99

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/married.html#BTAWhFBDIsJI98cT.99

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/married.html#BTAWhFBDIsJI98cT.99

Bed(dy) Delights !!

With office hours getting late and hectic, most couples look forward to spending the weekend together. Going out, shopping, movie, clubbing etc etc is something that each one of us looks forward to. How about spending this sunday at home !! 

Weekend's near, so I thought why not give you all a few of my favorite recipes to try at home and relish them together (in bed). Easy to cook and honestly, Impeccably Delectable !!!

This one can be taken with your morning tea/coffee. I prefer taking it with Iced Tea. You can either make it at night and keep it in your refrigerator overnight, which will save you time in the morning. All you would need for this would be Monaco Biscuits, plain/crunchy Peanut Butter, Marshmallows (from your local candy store) and Nutella (calorie conscious can skip this).

Now all you have to do is, spread a layer of peanut butter on the biscuit and top it with a marshmallow. Garnish the marshmallow with a lil' bit of nutella and put it in the oven/microwave for a minute (can skip, I like the chilled version). Your Marguerites are ready.

Time for some breakfast. How about some Pasta Salad. Healthy and Luscious....

1. You would need your favorite pasta (mine is Penne). Boil it and drain it. Keep it aside to cool.

2 For making the dressing, you would need Mayonnaise (calorie conscious can buy the diet mayo, easily available), 2-3tbs of cold milk, chilli sauce (the one served with momos is the best) and 2 tbs of white vinegar. Mix all these three together to form a smooth paste. Add salt and pepper to taste.

3. Next you need is grape sized deseeded tomatoes (cut into half), boiled potatoes (can skip), boiled boneless chicken (paneer for vegetarians), boiled corn, capsicum, finely chopped basil leaves and gouda cheese cut into small cubes (you can take your fav variety) and basil leaves.

4. Add all of the above mentioned ingredients (except basil) to the boiled and cooled pasta. Mix it well. Now drizzle in the dressing. Top with lavishly with the chopped basil leaves. You can also add a few drops of lemon juice to make it tangy.

Your Pasta is ready to eat.

Lemme know if you like both of these culinary delights...

I think all you guys should give your ladies a break this weekend and surprise them with your culinary skills. Who know what she might surprise you with !!

(P.S: This weekend, stay at home and let spices and chocolates do the talking, or not !! )

Rediscovering Yourself !!!

Being a single amongst so many of your married friends does make you feel alone at times. There are times when people ask you the reason of being alone. There are times when you look at the happy couple and wonder whatever happened to your happy ending. At times, you feel as if life did take a wrong turn for you or maybe you took a wrong path. At times, when I see my closest friend putting red nail paint and baking for her husband, it does bring a tear in my eye. Not because I don't like her doing that but because I want to do the same for someone.

When I look at the photographs of a friend travelling and circling the world with her better half, it makes me see only the joys of marriage. When I look at my friend's son, him beaming with laughter, all I see is the gleam in the eyes of the parents and their love for each other. When I look at a friend putting up statuses for her husband asking him to reassure her of his love for her, I see a kid with hope in her eyes who is craving for love and I see a husband laughing at the status and bringing flowers for her.

When I look at my friend watching football matches and shouting and supporting Manchester United from the rooftops, I see a loving wife who does not understand football, cheering on top of her voice. When I see a friend working out in the gym, I see a husband who is proud of his wife. When I see a friend fighting over the phone complaining about how little time her husband gives her, I see a husband wanting to take his wife out for dinner and holding her hand, walking on the dimply lit street.

When I see a friend crying, I see the husband kissing her forehead, holding her tight and putting her head on his shoulder. When I see a couple fighting, I see them walking up to each other in the midst of the night because they do not want to be alone. When I see a couple working hard, I see their commitment to be with each other, their undying love for each other.

When I see a friend going out shopping with her husband, I see the husband nagging but still offering suggestions to her because he'd rather be with her nagging than be somewhere else without her. When I see a couple ignoring each other, I see two people dying inside to go hug the other person and say 'I am sorry'. When I see a couple not talking to each other after a fight, I see two people wanting to rush to the other one and kiss them.

I've heard people saying that marriage changes you. And I have heard people telling me that marriage changes you, for good. People say it's a fight. I say what in life is not a fight. Each day we are struggling with our own insecurities, some of which break us. What better way to fight those insecurities than with a person who loves you and wants to share each passing day of their life with you. Marriage does not fall apart. It's when two people give up on each other, marriage seems like a burden.

We fight with our parents, our siblings almost daily. But we don't give up on them because we love them and the thought of being away from them scares us. A good relationship is like your career. You have to put in effort, start from the scratch, take courses, keep yourself updated, willing to stay up all night because you want to impress, slog it out until you've got it right, complain and nag at times, but still love it. Just like you make it far from an Executive to the Director in the course of your career, you do the same in your marriage, with a lot of  love, a lot of honesty and an equal amount of understanding. It is only when we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves.

(P.S: Love in marriage should be the accomplishment of a beautiful dream, and not, the end !!)


  

Crisis Of Masculinity !!!

Just when we were mourning over the loss of the lives of 20 children in Connecticut, and if that wasn't enough for a while, we are presented with another shocker. We can install as many CCTV's as we want, we can preach the females to dress up properly (I have absolutely no clue what that means) as much as we would like, we could instill values in our kids from the time they are born, we can listen to our politicians giving free speeches on national TV or we could ask women to stay within the confines of their homes all day long (why make it post 8 too!). But we cannot help but ask ourselves that one question which we all fear asking: Where are we headed as a society??

We have taught our women and even expect them to work as equals with men. We expect them to be self sufficient and independent. We expect them to be well educated and go-getters. But all this and more before 8p.m in the night and in clothes that do not provoke perverts. Because, we as a nation of more than a million people cannot stop men from raping women.

How as a society we grew so advanced in producing rapists and heinous men? How did we advance to a level where we have become normalized towards tolerating such appalling crimes against females? Why do we expect women to be bold and confident which in turn promotes a sense of insecurity and instability in men? Why does the sight of a young smartly-dressed educated female generate a sense of displacement in men? Why do women always have to appear vulnerable to a man's eye or she would be made to see an agitated male deprived of his masculinity? Why is it that we are unable to answer a deeply rooted societal problem? 

We can formulate laws and publicly execute the ones responsible for such hideous acts. We can light candles at India Gate to fast track such cases. We can post status updates and we can forward chain letters to the Chief Minister. We can also write blog posts about it or we can shout from rooftops about the incapabilities of our government to punish the criminals. We can advocate and preach our women to be safe and take precautions when travelling alone or in groups. We can do all this and more. But the fact remains: will these acts stop producing rapists in our society? Will this help us feel safe in our so called male dominated society?

More laws will only give us a false sense that something is being done, when very little is being done. We need to move forward as a society and have to stop looking at women empowerment as a threat to mankind. We need to stop raising sons with a false sense of superiority and being the privileged one. Because we can punish the accused in this case but what happens to the physical violence and rapes committed by men daily in the confines of their homes.

It is time for us to recognize how we as a society are implicated in producing the very individuals who are perpetrating such repulsive crimes against women, and to start taking responsibility for bringing it to an end.

(P.S: So many Gods, so many creeds. So many paths that wind and wind. While just the art of being kind is all this sad world needs!!)

Is Trust Truly Timeless !!!

Life they say is touch and go. You sometimes miss it even with the blink of an eye. And sometimes you are so engrossed in it that you do not see the other things around you. Things that might not hold importance but they end up hurting you.

Trust, a five letter word, but something that my dad said, takes years to build and seconds to ruin. But he also added one thing to this: we live in a society where breaking trust is considered more invigorating than building it. Who the hell cares about spending years to build it!!

In times of instant messaging and mails on the move, who has time to spend in getting to know someone, waste more time on building relationships when one can happily go ahead and have a drink at a bar and get picked up. Or better still, build relationships where your friend ends it with someone. Easy to pick, no time required to be wasted in getting to know them 'coz you already are aware of everything, leaves you with no guilt 'coz your friend's relationship with that person is over. You just happened to be there at the right place and at the right time (or so you think).

Two best friends since childhood, spent majority of their lives happily shopping, talking, eating, relaxing, dancing, singing and a lot of other things that made them happy. They went to the same school, ate the same stuff, wore similar clothes, had a lot of common friends, and moreover nothing could break the bond they shared. It was a fairytale written by angels themselves.

As time flew by, they both started growing young. Although a lot similar, they grew up to be a lot different. They still liked to hang out together, still ate similar food, still wore similar clothes, shared everything with each other 'coz it made them happier. They used to be happy seeing the other one happy. When they smiled, the world smiled with them. Proud daughters of their parents, they were 'love and bonding personified'. They excelled in everything they did. If one excelled in studies, the other fared equally well in extra curricular. If one was daddy's daughter, the other was the 'apple of her mother's eye'. Everyone around them was inspired to be like them.

They went to diiferent cities to pursue their education. They spoke over gtalk and skype for as long as 4 in the morning. Sometimes, even wrote letters to each other on pink, musk and vanilla flavored letter sheets in colored and sparkle pens which they knew the other would treasure for life. They missed being with each other. But with all India free calling, they knew which prepaid connection to take. When they were not skyping, there were texting. It became a routine for them . Keeping the other updated about their life in a different city. They discussed the men in their lives with as much interest as they discussed operations management. They discussed make-up as if they were discussing God of small things by Arundhati Roy. They were happy that the exams were done away with and they would be finally together. Just like old times.

And they finally met after spending 2 years apart. They still were a house on fire until they moved to different cities to work. Though the time they spent together reduced considerably, they still loved each other. They saw a lot of twists and turns in life during the next 1 year. One of them (lets call her S) broke up with her boyfriend of a few years. The other one (lets call this one A) was there trying to make her happy; taking her out shopping, dining, salons etc etc. 'A' was being the nicest one could imagine. The boyfriend was history by now. 'S' felt better, looked better and was able to work better. But something had changed. Something, 'S' couldn't figure out. Something that put a wall between the two of them. Something which made them drift apart.

What could it be? 'S' wished she could put a finger on it. She wished she could undo time. She wished she could see through her. She wished she could relive those moments with her. She wished they could be best friends again. She wished they could talk endlessly again. She wished she had never gone away from her. She blamed herself for whatever had gone wrong. Little did she know that her best friend, her soulmate, her younger sister 'A' was dating her ex boyfriend.

Guilt free and no holds barred, 'A' did everything that could break one's trust in the bond of sisterhood. Everything that goes against the sanctity of the relationship. Trust and honesty is an investment you put in people. I put all my investment in you. You chose to value your investments more than mine. Trust, a five letter word, which takes years to build and seconds to ruin.

(P.S.: I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you!!)

(Dis)Unity In Diversity !!

I have been meaning to write this for quite a while now. I am sure most of us open our Facebook pages even before we can open our eyes properly early morning. I too do the same, with my Blackberry doing the ninja back flip at times. It's always a happy feeling when you read about happy and pleasant stuff that makes you smile. Who wants to wake up to posts that torment us early morning.

A glimpse at my Facebook wall today and all I can see is the walls people have put up between them. Walls that divide us. Walls that keep us apart. Walls that everyone talks about but no one does anything to break them. Walls that act as barriers. Walls that we all wish weren't there. Walls that maybe one day will go down. Walls that we know by the names of Religion, Caste, Status, Regions, Politics, Corruption, Jihad, and a lot more which I might not be able to think right now.

A song sung by apna Assamese singer in the upcoming movie 'Barfi' made you so happy that you decided to call yourself a proud Assamese rather than a proud Indian. An article on the screening of a movie by a historical figure from Assam sends the state in a state of surface pleasantry. People as young as 24 posts statuses about giving them a separate state and a separate identity and not call them 'Indians'. North Easterns want to return to their homeland to be safe in their own country. Their only plea - not to treat them as 'chinkis' and not to take their promiscuous girls with oriental features as 'sl**s'. Is that too much to ask from their own countrymen?
 
The Indian Muslim community is caught in a catch-22 situation. If they go against the grain and fully integrate themselves with the mainstream (this is not to say they don’t try; many do) they risk being alienated by their own community. On the other hand, staying with the fold means subjecting themselves to the dogmas of the clergy.

All of us are aware of what happened in Bangalore. It was shocking to see that years, indeed, decades of social harmony was upended by rumours, scary chain mails and smses. We may be mostly good people at heart. However, we are probably the most internally racist nation on earth. Yes, we all stand up for the national anthem. We also cheer for our cricket team and Olympic medalists. When that ends, however, it's almost like we try to find a reason to hate and mistrust one another. And as part of our shallow thinking, one of the first things we discriminate against is someone who looks different from us.

Talk about India divided into parts. Part that support corruption and the part that supports 'Team Anna'. Part that prevents you from being together with people you love (case in point-Ek Tha Tiger) and part that would not mind killing their own daughters and sons if they married outside their own community. Part that requires you to carry an identity card at all times and part where you do not have your own identity. Part where we all stand for the National Anthem and part where we refuse to stand for the old people looking for seats in the trains and buses. Part where the residents of Delhi will not be given a hotel room for security purposes and part where there are no security checks for tenants. 

While we defend ourselves against the psy-war being waged on us from outside, let's also guard against the war waged on us from within by our two greatest enemies: the twin demons of Prejudice and Intolerance.

(P.S: The Cabinet is a living example of The Peter Principle, where everyone is elevated to their level of incompetence. Let us, the people of India not allow this great nation to fall apart.)    

By Choice Or By Chance !!!

People talk about love being an everlasting emotion. Something that sweeps you off your feet at times. Something that irritates you at times. Something that you are willing to work hard for. Something that at times you are willing to let go off. Something that is required all the time in one form or the other. Something that we can't seem to live without. Something that makes you do stupid things in its name.

Love is unquestionably and undoubtedly an emotion which surpasses all other emotions in a person. We all look for it. We look for it everywhere we can. We fight for it whenever we can. We laugh over it for as long as it is possible. We live for it for as long as we breathe.

My last weekend was as beautiful and perfect as one could have asked for. But that also got me thinking of a few things. Is it possible to stop loving? Is it possible to love two people at the same time? Does that mean you never loved the first person? Does it make you feel like a bad person for loving the second person? Does it ever fill you with the guilt of being wrong? Or does it sometimes make you realize the importance of the first person over second? And if you do still fall for the second person, does that mean you are being unfaithful?

There are times when despite being with one person for a couple of years, you click better with other person and fall for him/her. I have heard people term this as cheating. But come to think of it, can it really be termed as cheating? In our pursuit of being good and kind, we sometimes value the happiness of the other person over ours. In an attempt to remain loyal, we demean ourselves and the second person who for a shorter span of time became all you ever wanted.

Relationships are tough to handle. They are tricky and they take you off by surprises. They make you feel loved and guilty at the same time. They make you feel high and stupid all at once. No matter how long we have been in a relationship, there are times when you realize the missing elements. There are times when you stay in them because you might end up hurting the person you are with. There are moments which make you want to let go but you can't.

Is it wise to stay in a relationship because you have been in it for long? Or is it wiser to stay in a relationship because it is what you have wanted for long? An acquaintance of mine terms falling for the second person 'temporary insanity.' He says, sometimes it is necessary to fall for the second person for it helps you to realize what you really want. This got me thinking that in an attempt to pick and choose, you end up hurting one person more than what they deserved. Is this really the price one should be made to pay for being good? I would say that when you do not have any intentions of catching the person, you shouldn't make him/her fall for you. And if the second person helps you figure out what you really want in life, then maybe the first person wasn't the right fit for you.

Maybe there are no right moments, right people, right answers, maybe sometimes you just have to say what's in your heart. Don't lose sight of what you want for what you have. You gotta take some chances, you gotta risk losing it all, you gotta close your eyes and leap because it might be worth the fall.

(P.S: If you fall in love with two people, pick the second. If you really loved the first person, you wouldn't have fallen for the other)If you fall in love with two people, pick the second. If you really loved the first person, you wouldn't have fallen for the other.

If you fall in love with two people, pick the second. If you really loved the first person, you wouldn't have fallen for the other.

http://likearea.com

If you fall in love with two people, pick the second. If you really loved the first person, you wouldn't have fallen for the other.

http://likearea.com

Single & (Un)Happy !!!

At my age, I don't really find it weird when people come and ask me about my marital status. If I am still a single, they show concern. If I am married, they ask about kids (when am I having one). And if I am seeing someone, they would want to know all possible details about the person and when would our relationship get converted into 'Holy Matrimony.' I don't blame them for asking such questions. Indian society is conditioned like that. And I do not think I will be wrong if I say that the world is conditioned like that.

When it comes to being a single and at an age where most people prefer getting married, being a single seems like a sin in our so called modern society. Why am I single? I do not know. Do I like being a single? I would lie if I said yes. Of course no one likes being single. Am I single by choice? I do not think so. Aren't you bothered about getting married? If marriage brings botheration, then what exactly is the point of getting married. What are you still looking for? Someone who I can wake up next to, smiling. Do I still have so many choices left with most singles, taken? I do not see any problem in that. Do I have a particular type? I am not buying a shampoo. It's a person for heaven sake. Wouldn't I find it difficult adjusting with a person, now? We keep adjusting to situations all our life. This is just a person.

Not only these. I can come up with infinite number of questions that people throw at singles. Being a single is not a crime. And lemme just mention one thing. No one is single by choice. As humans, we all like to be loved and to love. We cannot by any means live in seclusion. We like who we are but we also like what others can make us feel. Singles are not a deprived lot of people who society shows concern for so much that it sometimes get on your nerves.

With friends, relatives, family constantly at a watch guard to find you a suitable match, one is bound to feel the social pressure around. And given our society, where girls are measured on the basis of their weight, age, colour, height and their working status. And guys are measured by their income level, social status (read liquidity), number of siblings (lesser the better), whether living with parents (how would you like if your son disowns you for his wife) and a lot more which makes me detest this whole matrimony 'business' in our country. A single facing all of this along with the stress of the work, is bound to break down.

Yesterday, a friend was very sad because of his single status. He wants to get married, soon. Why? Because, all his friends are married now. Because, his parents want him to. Because, everyone around him talks about marriage. Because, everyone expects him to be married at this age. To which I had only one question. What do you want? To which he had only one answer, which I have heard a lot of people say. I don't know. I just wanna be married.

Marriage, no doubt is between two families. But it's you who will have to run it. Not the friends who tease you in the cafeteria. Not the relatives who show a huge amount of concern now. Not the parents because they would not be there with you forever. And not the neighbours who poke their nose in all your businesses.

Being single doesn't mean that no one wants you. Or no one likes you. Or you have a problem. You don't love a person all at once. You might not like a few things in yourself and would want to change them. You might not like a few things in the other person and would want to change them. Its the one who loves the flawed you who you should give your heart to. Because no matter what other people say, you definitely are beautifully imperfect !!

(P.S: It's tempting to wish for the perfect boss - the perfect parent - or the perfect outfit. But maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got.)

Great Expectations !!!

I hate it when people expect a tad bit too much from you all the time. Sure enough, I was there the last time you needed me but things change, time changes and so have I. Suck it up. Your calling me time and again and crying over messages doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the fact that you were a retard the last time we spoke and all those years you have been meaning to ruin my life. It doesn't change the fact that we aren't exactly on what you call 'good terms' right now.

This wasn't me speaking out loud 'what's going on in my mind' right now or for that matter what goes on in my mind all the time. But a sad and true story of a few relationships that have to end sometimes. Its about people expecting too much when they themselves have too little to give. I remember a friend telling me about her boyfriend who used to crib and nag all the time about the friends she has or had (I guess she gave up on those friends to be with him). But when it came to the guy's friends, they were all perfect, infact too perfect to be true.  So perfect, that he gave them more importance over the lady love of his life.

Expectations aren't wrong or unsound. As a matter of fact , they keep the two people who are together, going strong. On my flight back to Delhi from Bangalore, in the winter of 2011, I met a lady, a very intelligent lady who said as long as your partner asks you about your whereabouts and he/she is interested in your life, you two have nothing to worry about. It's when he is not interested in your appearance and ignores you or for that matter doesn't expect anything from you, you have everything to worry about. Because now you know he has lost interest. I couldn't have agreed more. As long as two people truly care about each other, they would want to be a part of each other's life.

Being a part of someone's life doesn't mean that you two will share the food on the plate daily or you two will keep texting about everything that happens in your happy/sad life, or you will update your Facebook status every hour to tell each other how much you miss him/her. In the true sense, it means keeping the other person involved in your life (leaving the detailed description, unless asked). Expectations, if not fulfilled lead to disappointments, which is true in all relationships. Be it your family or your friends, we all expect them to be there when we need them. It goes without saying that they too expect the same from us.

A relationship without expectations is like food without salt. Its bland and boring. While expecting too much is sure to kill a relationship, the opposite can also be true. Every relationship has its high points which are bound to be levelled out over time. If we base our expectations forever on those highs, the rest of the relationship is bound to be disappointing.

Expectations about running into someone who might change your world and give you fluttering butterflies in the pit of your stomach might be a thing of the past. Ever thought of you running into someone and changing their life forever?

(P.S: When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are !!)

Maa Tujhe Salaam !!!

I remember coming back home from school one fine afternoon, crying. I was not only crying, I was making my parents promise that they would never send me to the school again. It was a place where I got scolded and was made to work, when I didn't want to. All I wanted to do was sit next to the cute guy in the class and play, sing songs and share my lunch box. I was hugged and put to sleep.

One night I remember waking up from a bad dream and found myself weeping. I do not remember what I dreamt about. What I remember is that I was hugged and put to sleep again.

I fought with my best friend in college. I do not remember the reason but I remember coming back home and shouting on top of my voice and then crying again. I did not want to fight. It just happened and I did not know what to do. I do not remember why I fought and now I do not even remember who I fought. I remember being hugged and given a smile that made me feel better and at ease.

I scored low in a subject and I was scared. I couldn't have scored low. I studied hard for it. I worked so much on the tests. I put in 16 hours of study on the subject. How could this have happened to me. But it did. I do not remember what subject was it and what did I score in it. But I remember being motivated and I remember being told 'hard work pays off and I need not base my self worth on the basis of the marks I scored.' I remember being told I could do better and I remember being kissed on the forehead.

I fell ill and I blacked out. I fell off the stairs and I hurt myself. I cried endlessly. I do not remember when this happened and how ill I was. But I remember being put in my bed and taken care of. I remember being hugged and tended to.

I started working and I loved it. I starting loving my work and was given more work. I started hating the work load and people around. I whined and nagged. I cribbed and sniveled. I do not remember what work made me hate my work. I do not remember what did I whine about. But I remember being asked to calm down and take up activities that make me feel better. I remember being comforted and consoled. I remember being asked to quit if I wanted to. 

I loved and I lost. I cried and was exhausted. I hated the world. I hated myself. I do not remember why I loved so much and why did I cry so much. But I remember being told that I deserve someone better. I remember being told that it's destiny's way of saying you deserve to be loved more and to love more. I remember being taken into arms that would never leave me and put to sleep in the lap of the person holding me.

I lost four people I loved dearly. I was heartbroken, shattered and crushed. I was let down by people I cared for the most. I was being pulled down and was falling apart. I do not remember how I felt at that moment. I do not remember how I pulled myself back together. But I remember being told that I am strong and I will make through this like everything else. I remember being hugged and told that I am tougher than the situation itself.

I do not remember how I grew up to be this strong. I do not remember the source of my strength for surviving setbacks. I do not remember my source of inspiration. I do not remember my origin. I do not remember my mistakes. I do not remember being put down. I do not remember crying to sleep. I do not remember sadness. But I remember moments.

I remember being happy. I remember being euphoric. I remember laughing in splits. I remember being held. I remember being kissed. I remember being hugged. I remember sleeping comfortably. I remember the source of my laugh lines. I remember the wild child that I was. I remember being pampered and I remember being at ease. I remember my maker. I remember my mom.

I might not remember most people and situations I have been through in life. But I remember each day when I was hugged by my mother and inspired to move ahead in life. I might not be a perfect daughter but I couldn't have asked for a more perfect mother.

Alice Walker once said, “In search of my mother's garden, I found my own.”

(P.S: When I stopped seeing my mother with the eyes of a child, I saw the woman who helped me give birth to myself.)

From Boys To Men !!!

Fluttering eyelashes, a cute lil' smile, coyness in the way one talks, demureness in the way one walks, the shyness in the laughter, the glance over the shoulder to look for someone, the puppy eye look on the face and weirdness written all over. But this was then.

Confident in every possible manner, from boldness in the way one talks to chic in the way one looks, from being independent to being self reliant, from being a sexy bit*h to a naughty damsel, from being hot to being a 'girl next door', from working full time to cooking full time, from being a partner to being a mother; the journey for a lady hasn't been easy.

Just last night I was having a conversation ( a meaningless at that) with an old school friend of mine. From wanting or desiring the hottest looking female with a bit*hy attitude then (read school), boys have come off age. Not only they drooled over every sexy female in school making all the efforts to bag the chick, they made every possible attempt to make this fact known after their efforts paid off. After all, who doesn't like winning the trophy !!

10 years hence and the same guy would or is looking for someone who has the calmest demeanor and looks that say 'take me home'. From someone who not only understands him when he speaks out loud to someone who knows how to read the unwritten and hear the unspoken. From carrying herself with elegance to managing the house without whining. From looking like a trophy wife to his friends to behaving like a sexy siren with him. From being patient to being kind, from being hot to being cool, from being religious to being a goddess.

This made me question the changing dynamics of a relationship. What he said didn't surprise me much. In school he would have wanted someone who could manipulate people and lie on the face with an 'in-your face' attitude. Someone who other guys would drool over. Someone who would smoke a pot and could be bedded easily. Someone who wouldn't want a serious relationship. Someone who every guy would want.

But when it comes to men his age (post 25), they want someone who is willing to give it all to a relationship. Someone who drinks up and still behaves like a lady with class. Someone who is honest and non manipulative. Men want women who are emotionally mature. Maturity does not mean lack of emotions. It does mean the ability to handle emotions responsibly.  Many women treat men in ways that diminish their egos, making them feel inadequate. Men would rather have more praise, more acknowledgment of what they do right, more acknowledgment that they are great guys who are loved and appreciated.

The desire to love and be loved is the most basic human need. Women who are resigned to the myth that all men cheat: infidelity and “a roaming eye” are as distasteful to men as they are to women. Great men know how to build a wonderful relationship, and they know fidelity is the main ingredient.

Though this conversation didn't surprise me much, it still feels good to know that men will always be men. They would never know who they want, what they want until the right one comes along and tells them that 'he is what she wants'.

(P.S: Someone in his right state of mind once said, "being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.")

First Impressions !!

Unlike the most of you, I am not that great at first impressions. More so, if it's someone I am meeting for the first time. Doubly so, if I want to be nice around him/her. Triply so, if I like him/her. Quadruple it, if I want him/her to like me. As much as I hate it, I cant avoid it. From acting weird to being nervous, from being all sweaty to constantly looking around, from laughing to making funny faces, it jus' seems to worsen.

I am sure most of you like me love making first impressions, good ones at that. But in some situations where you really have no control over your actions and expressions, do we write off people based on a nervous first impression? Do they matter so much that we completely change our outlook towards the person? Do we ourselves always end up making the best possible first impressions? Can't we be too quick to judge? Did we even make an attempt to make the other person feel comfortable? Lastly and the most important, do first impressions change? Is it possible that you can go back and make a first impression again?

There are numerous articles on the web stating the importance of first impressions. From being confident to being polite, from being respectful to being nice (I still haven't been able to define nice), from dressing appropriately to making a checklist of things to talk about (where were all of these articles when my first impression went wrong), from talking about your likes and dislikes to maintaining calmness in what you do and how you act. From controlling your body language to maintaining eye contact, from being courteous to smelling good. Pheewwww !!!

Reading all is good. Sticking to the basics of making lasting first impressions better. Being yourself, even if that means being a lil' nervous, anxious, apprehensive, shaky and twitchy isn't all that bad either. Because then you are being you. And if that's the worst side of you, the better side can sweep someone off their feet (too filmy again, its the effect of watching too many movies these days).

On a more serious note, we all love to make ever lasting, wonderful first impressions. Showcasing our best side, our top notch vocabulary, our common interests and likes, dressing to impress and making conversation that would make the other person completely fall for you. But I remember learning all of this during my soft skills classes during my MBA. What we were not taught was that we could go wrong and falter. What we were also not taught was ways to correct them. What we were forgotten to be told was that in an attempt to create a better impression, you might create a bad second impression.

Just as looks are deceptive and we all want people to like us, do not worry about making bizarre first impressions because impressive first impressions can be practiced and rehearsed. Jus' go out and be yourself. If being nervous is the worst side of you, you sure as hell would be great at your best side. And as I always say, we all are weird, some all the times, some a lot of times and some never. But when you find that weird person who's compatible with your weirdness, that's when you know that first impressions are really just a result of you being vulnerable.

I guess my parents too said it around 27 years ago that our girl is weird, but look we've stuck around forever now. Sometimes you might discover it was "The One" who almost got away because you were too quick to judge. And we do tend to believe our worst reviews when it comes to love and life !!

(P.S: I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it !!)

The Key To Your Heart !!!

Some call it an institution. Some have experienced bliss in it. Some play it very cool. Some are stuck in it for the sake of other people. Some are too much dependent on it for their own happiness. And for most of us, it's important at some point or the other. I haven't been through it myself but I have seen people experiencing various moods while in or out of it: melancholy, discontent, happiness, distress, ecstasy, regret and a lot more than I can ever name. I have most often been told by most people around me that it is a gamble, which a lot of us play only once and the lucky ones get to play it more than once in one lifetime. I do not need to elaborate further on what I am talking about. Marriage might have been called by many as an end to your freedom but for me it is an accomplishment of love and not an end to it.

In the morning a friend of mine was talking to me about a girl who he doesn't want to marry but is not willing to let go off what they share: bedroom, shopping excursions, a social status (which apparently you have when you are dating, 'coz if you aren't then you are no more the cool guy or the hot chick....sigh !!), the dinner dates at home, someone to share your problems with, a shoulder to cry on and not to mention the free s*x that just comes with it. But when it comes to marriage, he cannot take a leap in that direction b'coz of many reasons that I found unworthy of mentioning here. Even if I felt like giving him a piece of my mind, I chose to ignore and listen. But one piece of advice Mr Jerk, when it comes to relationships of the heart, one shouldn't be too careful about everything and careless about nothing.

Arranged or love, we all seem to have our own perspectives on each one of them. Some who are willing to settle down for love think they have nothing to lose but for the others, there's a lot at stake. One of my closest friend who's getting married soon always wanted to marry for love but as luck would have it, she 's been chosen to find love after getting hitched. There's a crazy concept that we all believe in: Destiny. Whenever something doesn't go as planned, we choose to blame it on our fate. And because it was predestined to happen, we could have done nothing about it.

This brings me to the thought that what if because you could not do anything, you are stuck in a loveless and lifeless marriage. Would it be called destiny then? Would we blame our stars for not making it work? Would we then move on and take a leap in other direction? Would we then call our parents to our rescue? Would we then call it our ill fate? Would we then sacrifice our life for the happiness of others? Would a marriage that could have been an epic novel end as a short story?

Any marriage just like any other relationship goes through rough patches. For some these patches last longer than expected and for some less than 24 hrs. I have seen people living happily ever after, and a few never even wanting to see each other months after getting married. I am no advocate on a list of things to make a marriage work but for a start give it all you've got and don't hold back. When one can prepare the answers to the questions in an exam, muster the art of cooking by practicing, run marathons by putting in all the effort, make ourselves look impeccable by spending hours in front of the mirror, marriage doesn't seem that big of a deal to me.

Live in the moment and remember at one point or the other, romance will give way to reality and that's when you'll know what to do.

(P.S: Everyone thinks they know so goddamned much about everything and no one knows f**k all about anything !!)

Beautiful Stranger !!!

Off late, my travel to one of my favorite places (read Delhi) has become quite frequent and so the frequency of meeting normal, more than normal and the normallest (for the lack of a better word) people has also become a recurrent phenomena. Though my favorite mode of commuting remains my own car, but the over congested Delhi roads do not permit me zooming around in that. No brownie points for guessing my second favorite mode of commuting; its the Metro !!

Working (the most tired lot who wants to grab a seat ASAP), non-working (the me kinds), school kids, Rajouri Garden like decked up chicks (that's a word me and my friend coined for over dressed females, who only want to show off their MAC cosmetics and their oh-so glamorous pick from their local boutique) and kitty party aunties (I can't take my eyes off them at times), leechers (who roam around in the metro for not missing that one chance of hooking up with any random chick and use "Will you Fraanship me...Ouch!!). Last but not the least, the grannies of yesteryears and tomorrow (who travel because they have to meet some relative or the other. Bahut din ho gaye mile hue). These grannies are the best. Unlike the leechers, they have no problem attracting and wooing people around. They come up with the best possible pick-up lines describing their daughter-in-laws and son-in-laws. My dear grannies, if your daughter-in-law and son-in-law, who your respective son and daughter married are so hare-brained, why are you so blind eyed towards people who listen to your conversation with the next random granny and laugh at you.

Anyways, my ride in the Metro has never been non exciting. From being offered seats by super cute guys to random guys making passes through their eyes which are always covered in a duplicate of RayBan from the local flee market. From aunties who start questioning about my whereabouts because they find something nice in me (I will leave the description of that something nice) to females walking up to enquire about the brand of my handbag. From uncles who look like stalkers and glare at you as if you are their lost and found daughter to kids who start shouting around you to make you more (un)comfortable than you already are.

But in all this rush around you, you sometimes end up meeting people who you wouldn't have met otherwise. Atleast not in bars and clubs you hang out at. Or at your favorite Italian eatery. With a Vaio laptop bag in his hand, wearing a Hilfiger blue T-shirt and a blackberry in his hand, he had the looks one would die for. Not getting into a more detailed description of Mr X, he caught my attention because he was standing jus' next to me. Ok, he had a cute smile too. I have a track record of not meeting cute guys in the Metro. I had heard people telling me that they did but I didn't ever, not until now. This was a first for me, so in my mind I already had hit the Jackpot. Elated, ecstatic and all smiles I was 10 stations away from my desired destination. Not that I am a teenager who would have fluttering butterflies in the stomach at this age but come on cute guys do make your heart skip a beat (ok, that was too filmy). 3 stations and he still didnt get down. Maybe our destination was the same. I smiled as I thought about this.

2 more stations and still no word and still standing there, he was looking out the window. Well chiseled jaw line made him look raw and pretty. I was 5 stations away from my destination and 3 steps away from the uber cute guy and just a minute away from a disaster (more on that later). Mr X was in no mood to get down from the Metro, I thought. What if we are going to the same place after all (which was not even a remote possibility). 2 stations away from my destination and he looked at me and smiled that cute smile of his. I bbmed a friend that the cute guy smiled and he advised me to start some random conversation. Bad as I am at random conversations, I pulled myself together and decided that maybe I should. What's the harm, I asked myself. I bbmed my friend and asked him to advice me on what to talk about. Whatever he advised me to do, I couldn't and I decided I wouldn't. I hate random conversations at random places.

1 station was all I was left with. It was now or never. I chose now for a change. But as luck would have it, we both got down at the same South Delhi station. My 'Now' by now had taken the shape of 'Never'. As we moved out of the Metro station, there was a girl standing outside the station to meet him. The guy smiled at me again and for a change I smirked at him. I didnt want him to be with this girl. Sure enough she was pretty, but I wanted to talk to him. Just as these thoughts were crossing my mind, the guy went over to the girl and slapped him twice. Woah !! He was shouting on her for a reason I wouldn't even want to mention here. What a moron !! I was thanking God that my never remained a never.

My Dear Men, raising your hand on females is not an indication of your strength. It is an indication of how weak you are in situations you have no control over. Or even if you have control, you choose to take over the situation by showcasing your muscle strength rather than your mental balance. What you do in the name of love is not love. It is a crime. You men look the other way just because you have not experienced domestic violence with your own flesh.

(P.S: In our society, the emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says: 'It's a girl' !!)

Are We There Yet !!!

Time flies and so do moments. Even those which have had a great impact on all of us. We all want to hold on to the moments which make us happy and let go of the ones which have made us sad, unhappy and at times made us cry. We all want our lives to be a story written in sparkle which is all glittery, jazzy and straight out of a fairytale. If only this was possible, we'd all be riding high in the air knowing only one emotion; happiness.

I walk straight into the room glancing around knowing nothing, feeling nothing, seeing nothing, holding nothing. Am I new to this feeling? I do not know because I do not remember. Because I do not want to remember. Because I would not like to remember. Or maybe I did not ever want to feel this way. I chose to let go. I chose to shut down every image of those memories. I chose to move ahead or did I choose to stay just there. I do not know.

A look at any Bollywood movie and you know where it is headed. There is the hero: the prince in a shining armour who has plenty of females vying for his attention but he is looking for that special someone; there is the heroine: the princess in shiny, flowing dresses with beautiful tresses who awaits the prince and is sure that one day he will walk into her life and make it all look better and happier. And then there is the villain: the rogue who is suppose to make life miserable for the prince and the princess, who makes their love grow fonder, who makes them come closer and who despite every effort does not win over the princess. And then there are the side characters who give shape to the circumstances, who help the story move ahead, who keep the story interesting and going.

That's the thing about fairytales/movies. We all know the ending no matter what. There are tears and there are love songs. There are fights and there is overjoy. There are friends and there are foes. There are moments of elation and there are moments of dejectedness. There is a happy ending despite every turn life takes. There is jubilation in the end. Despite every misery one faces, cheerfulness never ceases to show up.

I still stand in the room glancing around. How did I get this far? How did I get through everything and still have the patience and strength to endure more? How did I reach here despite every effort to make my life take a different turn? How did I manage to survive? How do I still manage to laugh and be happy? How do I still believe in the magic of love? How do I still believe in fairytales? How do I still believe in life? How do I still believe in myself?

I take a step forward and I feel the calmness. A step closer to my window and I feel free. What took me so long to take this step? I might not know the ending to my life but I have a choice. I have the choice to choose who stays in my life. I have the choice to choose the direction in which I move. I have the choice to move ahead or look back. I have the choice to laugh or cry. I have the choice to let go or hold on. I have the choice to feel free. I have the choice to love myself. I have the choice to sing and dance to the music of my choice. I have the choice to dream. I have the choice to believe in fairytales. I have the choice to turn my life into a fairytale. I have the choice to sustain my life as a dream. I have a choice to change the stones thrown at me into flowers of discovery. I have the choice to know myself better. I have the choice to live better.

(P.S: Sometimes you meet somebody and you know that whatever you did before, it must have been right.... nothing could've been too bad or gone too wrong because it led you to this person..)

The Reason !!!

I didn't know why but I knew I loved it. I knew I should not but I could not stop. I lied to myself and spoke the truth to you. I want to believe but I do not allow myself to. I want to be told again and again and even if you do, I choose not to listen. I want to be held but I am scared. I have seen pain. I have heard myself break down. I close my heart each time I hear you speak. I know this is different but how do I know for sure. My heart and my mind pull me in two different directions. You have seen the best but not the worst. I trust myself but I do not trust myself with you. You seem like a dream and I am no dreamer.

I stand amongst the crowd looking in a direction opposite to where you stand. I am afraid to look at you. I am afraid you would see me cry. I am afraid you would let me fall. I am afraid you would let me go. I am afraid to feel the pain. I am afraid to look at you walk away. I am afraid of not waking up next to you. I am afraid of seeing you pulled away. I am afraid to wake up from my dream. I am afraid to lose you. I am afraid of the world. I am afraid that I am one amongst the crowd.

You live in a world where everything is dreamy eyed. I live in a world where everything is actuality. A step into my world and you took me to yours. I don't belong there but you ask me to stay. I don't want to be equated. I don't want to be hated. I don't want to be left. I don't want to change. I don't want to be restricted. I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to be affected. I don't want to leave but I know you will.

People say if it brings you to it, it gets you through it. My faith in this gets stronger each day spent with you. My faith makes me stay. My faith makes me happy. My faith makes me believe. My faith makes me forget. My faith brings me closer to you. My faith holds on to you. My faith accepts me. My faith makes me love myself more. My faith holds my hand each moment I panic. My faith stands next to me to catch me each time I slip. My faith is sacred. My faith is you.

Loving you is all I am capable of. My heart beats like a drum each time it hears your voice. You don't know but that's how it is. You provide rhythm to my heart, the music of which only I can hear. I don't promise to turn nights into mornings but I will share the nights with you. I can't bring the stars to your feet but I will light each candle that will make your night bright. I don't promise it will be easy but I promise it won't be alone. I don't promise that I can take away all your pain but I promise I will bring a smile on your face each time you are in pain. I don't promise to stay forever but I will never leave your side for as long as I am alive.

A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather. I was praying that you and me might end up together. It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert. But I am holding you closer than most because you are my heaven !!

(P.S: I may not be the most beautiful, the sexiest or the girl with the perfect body, but I don't pretend to be someone I am not. I am good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things I have done in my past, but I am proud of who I am today !!)

Someone Special !!!

I like waking up in the mornings to the sound of your voice. I love the way you say my name with so much care and passion. The way you laugh with me when I laugh makes me feel loved. The exhilaration, the excitement, the joyfulness that makes my eyes sparkle is hard to miss. I feel intoxicated. I had long forgotten the feeling of 'butterflies in the stomach'. Its like listening to acoustics again and again and yet again. Its like the soulfulness that has long been missed. 

Smiling like a baby, I rest in your arms. My beamish eyes hold you in them. My faith in you makes me want you more. My faith in you makes me want us more. My faith in us makes me want our life more. It now seems like eternity that I have known you. My love for you grows leaps and bounds with each passing day. We had to meet. It was inevitable. It was predestined. 

The laughter, all day smiles, sparkling eyes, my engaged mind, the nervousness in my voice, the calmness in your voice, you arouse feelings in me that I was scared to feel. You elicit in me a person I had long forgotten I was. You have rekindled hopes of love within me. You say you are not worthy of me. I wish I could tell you that you are. That we both are.  

I did three things today; miss you, miss you, and miss you.
Whenever I start feeling sad, because I miss you, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss. Because I love you and I miss you, hearing your voice is the closest thing to touching you. 

When the night has come and the land's dark, when the moon is the only light we'll see, look at the stars; can you count them? I miss you that much. Sometimes I miss you so much, I just want to rip you out of my dreams and hug you. Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. I miss you like the sun misses the flowers in the depths of winter, instead of beauty to direct its light to, the heart hardens like the frozen world which your absence has banished me to.

I don't want you to know, so I try to be strong. I don't want you to think that without you, I can't go on. But that's how it is, and that's how it will be, because, Baby, I love you, I need you, I miss you, and without you, there's no me.

(P.S: It's true we don't know what we've got until it's gone, but we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. )