Beautiful Stranger !!!

Off late, my travel to one of my favorite places (read Delhi) has become quite frequent and so the frequency of meeting normal, more than normal and the normallest (for the lack of a better word) people has also become a recurrent phenomena. Though my favorite mode of commuting remains my own car, but the over congested Delhi roads do not permit me zooming around in that. No brownie points for guessing my second favorite mode of commuting; its the Metro !!

Working (the most tired lot who wants to grab a seat ASAP), non-working (the me kinds), school kids, Rajouri Garden like decked up chicks (that's a word me and my friend coined for over dressed females, who only want to show off their MAC cosmetics and their oh-so glamorous pick from their local boutique) and kitty party aunties (I can't take my eyes off them at times), leechers (who roam around in the metro for not missing that one chance of hooking up with any random chick and use "Will you Fraanship me...Ouch!!). Last but not the least, the grannies of yesteryears and tomorrow (who travel because they have to meet some relative or the other. Bahut din ho gaye mile hue). These grannies are the best. Unlike the leechers, they have no problem attracting and wooing people around. They come up with the best possible pick-up lines describing their daughter-in-laws and son-in-laws. My dear grannies, if your daughter-in-law and son-in-law, who your respective son and daughter married are so hare-brained, why are you so blind eyed towards people who listen to your conversation with the next random granny and laugh at you.

Anyways, my ride in the Metro has never been non exciting. From being offered seats by super cute guys to random guys making passes through their eyes which are always covered in a duplicate of RayBan from the local flee market. From aunties who start questioning about my whereabouts because they find something nice in me (I will leave the description of that something nice) to females walking up to enquire about the brand of my handbag. From uncles who look like stalkers and glare at you as if you are their lost and found daughter to kids who start shouting around you to make you more (un)comfortable than you already are.

But in all this rush around you, you sometimes end up meeting people who you wouldn't have met otherwise. Atleast not in bars and clubs you hang out at. Or at your favorite Italian eatery. With a Vaio laptop bag in his hand, wearing a Hilfiger blue T-shirt and a blackberry in his hand, he had the looks one would die for. Not getting into a more detailed description of Mr X, he caught my attention because he was standing jus' next to me. Ok, he had a cute smile too. I have a track record of not meeting cute guys in the Metro. I had heard people telling me that they did but I didn't ever, not until now. This was a first for me, so in my mind I already had hit the Jackpot. Elated, ecstatic and all smiles I was 10 stations away from my desired destination. Not that I am a teenager who would have fluttering butterflies in the stomach at this age but come on cute guys do make your heart skip a beat (ok, that was too filmy). 3 stations and he still didnt get down. Maybe our destination was the same. I smiled as I thought about this.

2 more stations and still no word and still standing there, he was looking out the window. Well chiseled jaw line made him look raw and pretty. I was 5 stations away from my destination and 3 steps away from the uber cute guy and just a minute away from a disaster (more on that later). Mr X was in no mood to get down from the Metro, I thought. What if we are going to the same place after all (which was not even a remote possibility). 2 stations away from my destination and he looked at me and smiled that cute smile of his. I bbmed a friend that the cute guy smiled and he advised me to start some random conversation. Bad as I am at random conversations, I pulled myself together and decided that maybe I should. What's the harm, I asked myself. I bbmed my friend and asked him to advice me on what to talk about. Whatever he advised me to do, I couldn't and I decided I wouldn't. I hate random conversations at random places.

1 station was all I was left with. It was now or never. I chose now for a change. But as luck would have it, we both got down at the same South Delhi station. My 'Now' by now had taken the shape of 'Never'. As we moved out of the Metro station, there was a girl standing outside the station to meet him. The guy smiled at me again and for a change I smirked at him. I didnt want him to be with this girl. Sure enough she was pretty, but I wanted to talk to him. Just as these thoughts were crossing my mind, the guy went over to the girl and slapped him twice. Woah !! He was shouting on her for a reason I wouldn't even want to mention here. What a moron !! I was thanking God that my never remained a never.

My Dear Men, raising your hand on females is not an indication of your strength. It is an indication of how weak you are in situations you have no control over. Or even if you have control, you choose to take over the situation by showcasing your muscle strength rather than your mental balance. What you do in the name of love is not love. It is a crime. You men look the other way just because you have not experienced domestic violence with your own flesh.

(P.S: In our society, the emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says: 'It's a girl' !!)

Are We There Yet !!!

Time flies and so do moments. Even those which have had a great impact on all of us. We all want to hold on to the moments which make us happy and let go of the ones which have made us sad, unhappy and at times made us cry. We all want our lives to be a story written in sparkle which is all glittery, jazzy and straight out of a fairytale. If only this was possible, we'd all be riding high in the air knowing only one emotion; happiness.

I walk straight into the room glancing around knowing nothing, feeling nothing, seeing nothing, holding nothing. Am I new to this feeling? I do not know because I do not remember. Because I do not want to remember. Because I would not like to remember. Or maybe I did not ever want to feel this way. I chose to let go. I chose to shut down every image of those memories. I chose to move ahead or did I choose to stay just there. I do not know.

A look at any Bollywood movie and you know where it is headed. There is the hero: the prince in a shining armour who has plenty of females vying for his attention but he is looking for that special someone; there is the heroine: the princess in shiny, flowing dresses with beautiful tresses who awaits the prince and is sure that one day he will walk into her life and make it all look better and happier. And then there is the villain: the rogue who is suppose to make life miserable for the prince and the princess, who makes their love grow fonder, who makes them come closer and who despite every effort does not win over the princess. And then there are the side characters who give shape to the circumstances, who help the story move ahead, who keep the story interesting and going.

That's the thing about fairytales/movies. We all know the ending no matter what. There are tears and there are love songs. There are fights and there is overjoy. There are friends and there are foes. There are moments of elation and there are moments of dejectedness. There is a happy ending despite every turn life takes. There is jubilation in the end. Despite every misery one faces, cheerfulness never ceases to show up.

I still stand in the room glancing around. How did I get this far? How did I get through everything and still have the patience and strength to endure more? How did I reach here despite every effort to make my life take a different turn? How did I manage to survive? How do I still manage to laugh and be happy? How do I still believe in the magic of love? How do I still believe in fairytales? How do I still believe in life? How do I still believe in myself?

I take a step forward and I feel the calmness. A step closer to my window and I feel free. What took me so long to take this step? I might not know the ending to my life but I have a choice. I have the choice to choose who stays in my life. I have the choice to choose the direction in which I move. I have the choice to move ahead or look back. I have the choice to laugh or cry. I have the choice to let go or hold on. I have the choice to feel free. I have the choice to love myself. I have the choice to sing and dance to the music of my choice. I have the choice to dream. I have the choice to believe in fairytales. I have the choice to turn my life into a fairytale. I have the choice to sustain my life as a dream. I have a choice to change the stones thrown at me into flowers of discovery. I have the choice to know myself better. I have the choice to live better.

(P.S: Sometimes you meet somebody and you know that whatever you did before, it must have been right.... nothing could've been too bad or gone too wrong because it led you to this person..)

The Reason !!!

I didn't know why but I knew I loved it. I knew I should not but I could not stop. I lied to myself and spoke the truth to you. I want to believe but I do not allow myself to. I want to be told again and again and even if you do, I choose not to listen. I want to be held but I am scared. I have seen pain. I have heard myself break down. I close my heart each time I hear you speak. I know this is different but how do I know for sure. My heart and my mind pull me in two different directions. You have seen the best but not the worst. I trust myself but I do not trust myself with you. You seem like a dream and I am no dreamer.

I stand amongst the crowd looking in a direction opposite to where you stand. I am afraid to look at you. I am afraid you would see me cry. I am afraid you would let me fall. I am afraid you would let me go. I am afraid to feel the pain. I am afraid to look at you walk away. I am afraid of not waking up next to you. I am afraid of seeing you pulled away. I am afraid to wake up from my dream. I am afraid to lose you. I am afraid of the world. I am afraid that I am one amongst the crowd.

You live in a world where everything is dreamy eyed. I live in a world where everything is actuality. A step into my world and you took me to yours. I don't belong there but you ask me to stay. I don't want to be equated. I don't want to be hated. I don't want to be left. I don't want to change. I don't want to be restricted. I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to be affected. I don't want to leave but I know you will.

People say if it brings you to it, it gets you through it. My faith in this gets stronger each day spent with you. My faith makes me stay. My faith makes me happy. My faith makes me believe. My faith makes me forget. My faith brings me closer to you. My faith holds on to you. My faith accepts me. My faith makes me love myself more. My faith holds my hand each moment I panic. My faith stands next to me to catch me each time I slip. My faith is sacred. My faith is you.

Loving you is all I am capable of. My heart beats like a drum each time it hears your voice. You don't know but that's how it is. You provide rhythm to my heart, the music of which only I can hear. I don't promise to turn nights into mornings but I will share the nights with you. I can't bring the stars to your feet but I will light each candle that will make your night bright. I don't promise it will be easy but I promise it won't be alone. I don't promise that I can take away all your pain but I promise I will bring a smile on your face each time you are in pain. I don't promise to stay forever but I will never leave your side for as long as I am alive.

A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather. I was praying that you and me might end up together. It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert. But I am holding you closer than most because you are my heaven !!

(P.S: I may not be the most beautiful, the sexiest or the girl with the perfect body, but I don't pretend to be someone I am not. I am good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things I have done in my past, but I am proud of who I am today !!)

Someone Special !!!

I like waking up in the mornings to the sound of your voice. I love the way you say my name with so much care and passion. The way you laugh with me when I laugh makes me feel loved. The exhilaration, the excitement, the joyfulness that makes my eyes sparkle is hard to miss. I feel intoxicated. I had long forgotten the feeling of 'butterflies in the stomach'. Its like listening to acoustics again and again and yet again. Its like the soulfulness that has long been missed. 

Smiling like a baby, I rest in your arms. My beamish eyes hold you in them. My faith in you makes me want you more. My faith in you makes me want us more. My faith in us makes me want our life more. It now seems like eternity that I have known you. My love for you grows leaps and bounds with each passing day. We had to meet. It was inevitable. It was predestined. 

The laughter, all day smiles, sparkling eyes, my engaged mind, the nervousness in my voice, the calmness in your voice, you arouse feelings in me that I was scared to feel. You elicit in me a person I had long forgotten I was. You have rekindled hopes of love within me. You say you are not worthy of me. I wish I could tell you that you are. That we both are.  

I did three things today; miss you, miss you, and miss you.
Whenever I start feeling sad, because I miss you, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss. Because I love you and I miss you, hearing your voice is the closest thing to touching you. 

When the night has come and the land's dark, when the moon is the only light we'll see, look at the stars; can you count them? I miss you that much. Sometimes I miss you so much, I just want to rip you out of my dreams and hug you. Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. I miss you like the sun misses the flowers in the depths of winter, instead of beauty to direct its light to, the heart hardens like the frozen world which your absence has banished me to.

I don't want you to know, so I try to be strong. I don't want you to think that without you, I can't go on. But that's how it is, and that's how it will be, because, Baby, I love you, I need you, I miss you, and without you, there's no me.

(P.S: It's true we don't know what we've got until it's gone, but we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. )

Covert Affairs !!!

Phone calls all the time, sharing your darkest secrets, going out watching movies, clubbing, dancing, shopping, dining, lunching, partying, and ending it with a night of physical and only physical pleasure. Welcome to a world where friends come with benefits and emotions come without a tag.

A night at a friends place, alcohol and a few hours of swaying to the music together is what it takes to get two people into an intimate relationship. Or so I was told. When it comes to sex, there is no one who knows your needs better than a friend who you have shared all your desires with. This friend has always been there when you have needed him and doesn't mind going that extra mile to luxuriate you in a sexual activity. No perplexity, no complexity.

A no strings attached relationship is what most youngsters today are looking for. With an advancement of careers and a shift in the work hours, who has time for real relationships? On offer are hook-ups, one night stands and having no strings attached sex with a close friend, who has sexual needs too, rather than a total stranger. So can we say that we live in a time where physical needs surpass emotional needs.

What happened to the good old dating routine which gave you time to know each other and being there for each other? Is sex overrated? Or we have needs that can't wait? Many people decide to stay in these fine relationships not because they consider them the loves of their lives - but because they are comfortable because of past history, mutual interests and friendship. And that is until someone better comes along.

A friend of mine told me that FWB’s  don’t sleep together because they can’t keep their hands off each other. They sleep together because there isn’t anyone else more appealing at the moment. I don't seem to disagree with this because I have come across people who in spite of having a doting partner go ahead and indulge in casual and emotionless physical relationships.

But what happens when one of them falls for the other and wants to take the emotional plunge to give a meaningful turn to the 'just friends' relationship. You say all or you say none at all. For our generation, relationships are like a game of monopoly. The more you get into it, the better you think you are getting at it. And the more addictive it gets. What we sometimes forget are the ways to snap out of these so called obsessive cravings.

(P.S: These relationships come with an expiry date and before you know they start to curdle up ruining what you had for what you will never have !!)

Affirmation !!!

I didn't even realize I existed until now. I wanted to cheer with joy, basking in happiness, finally realizing my presence. I opened my eyes to look around. It was a peaceful and warm day. Chirping of birds, trees whooshing around me, fresh breeze and somewhere in the neighborhood, a very romantic couple was gracefully and rhythmically moving to the music of Kenny G. Isn't this the perfect start to a brand new day.

A day that holds so many surprises for each one us. A day when I finally feel important. A day when I feel loved. A day I never thought I would see the light of. A day which I wanted to live. A day where I wanted to be happy. A day when I feel blessed. A day where I would be a part of someone's happiness. A day which holds in itself magic.

There's nothing more intriguing than life. Life sometimes is magical, viewed by some as mere illusion, a dream which we weave around people we love. I would do the same. I want to be loved. I want to love. I want to feel the actuality of being loved. The emotions once deprived, today flowed with love and an eagerness.

It was the flow of my thoughts or the sweet lullaby, I didn't remember sleeping. I was happy in this world, a happy world, a world where I was valued, a world which would embrace me with open arms, a world which had given me a sense of belonging. This was one of those 'Kodak Moments'. It was the beginning of my happy days. I would forget what happened in the past. Let go of all those memories that have hurt me. Let go of what others had said about you. This is my world, my place, my space, my creation, the reason for my existence, the real world for my real life.

All those memories of crying, being hit, those lonely and sleepless nights spent in despair, the outcries and screams will have to be buried. I would not let the thoughts of those nights ruin my love for the world. I would have to stop reminiscing about all that happened in the past. I will spread the message of love and peace. I would be the change that I had wished to see. I would be the personification of happiness. I would be a personification of you. I would be a personification of love. I would be a personification of my world.

Thoughts began to fade away. Was it time for me to wake up? Or was it time for me to finally spread the message of love? Have I proved others wrong? Have I been finally able to bring them to see my love for them? Have I been able to make them love me? Have I been able to outshine the others? Have I been able to win over them with my smile and my innocence? Have they finally realized my importance? Have they finally decided to keep me?

I prayed as I began recollecting the memories from the past. I was numb. I did not feel anything. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I wanted to smile but something held me back. I froze in time. I am the messenger of love. I thought I was the messenger of love. I thought I was born out of love. I thought I was special. I thought I was yours. I was afraid if I would sleep now, I wouldn't wake up.

They were right and I was wrong. They were right to question your love. They were right to question my love. They were right to question the world. They were right to question my overwhelming happiness. They were afraid for me because they loved me. But I loved you mom and you let me go just like you let go of others.

Everything Fades !!!

I lie on the sand, music playing in the background, music that one doesn't get to hear anywhere else, music that is melodious, music that touches your heart, melody that I couldn't ignore, the keynotes that somehow I didn't want to shrug off, sounds that pulled me towards itself, the auditory sensation flowing through me, the perfect pleasant sound that my ears longed to hear.

I lie on the sand wanting to hold the moments. I lie there tying myself to the short lived, fleeting moment. I lie there because there is nothing that I wouldn't do to keep this passing moment alive. There is nothing that would make me more alive than this moment. There is nothing that I have but this moment.

Today was special. Today was about me. Today was about him. Today was about us. Today all I cared was to listen to each sound playing close to me, pay heed to the most silent prayers that have been answered, obey and give in to the sound of my own heartbeat. Today was all I cared about and today was what I had. Today was what I would have.

How could I let go of this moment which was special in every possible manner. How could I rest my head when all I wanted to do was be as close to you as possible. How could I close my eyes when all I wanted was to look at you. How could I let you walk away when all I wanted to do was hold you. How could I verbalize when all I wanted to do was listen to your heartbeat. How could I not live this moment, the only true moment that I had.

Its dusk and I know you'll go. I know I'll go. I know this wouldn't last. I know this looked like a dream, a distant dream. But we know it's all we have. Looking together at the setting sun, wishing that time would freeze, hoping against hope to relive this moment over and over again, longing for this day to stay longer than usual, expecting to wake up the next morning smiling at each other, counting on the possibility of sitting next to each other. I know it will pass. You know it will pass. We still dream. We still believe. We still have faith. We still have us.

Its night and as hours pass, I hold you closer. I hold you close to my heart, listening to the sound of water gushing, stars gazing at us, the darkness of the night assuring, stillness in the air, calmness in the hands that hold me. Am I being hypnotized or maybe its that hour of the night where sleep begins to dawn on me. I try and keep my eyes open. I know I can't. I try harder and I succeed this time. We had dreamt of this day for so long. We wanted to see the first light of the sun together. We wanted to live together. We wanted our lives together.

Its dawn and I sleep. It's the morning that we have waited for so long, but I sleep. I sleep smiling. I sleep content. I sleep because I can. I sleep because I have you. I sleep because I knew I would. I sleep because you knew I would. I sleep because we knew I would. I sleep because I have now lived my dream. I sleep because there is nothing that I could do to relive. I sleep because I have lived. I sleep because I couldn't live.