By Choice Or By Chance !!!

People talk about love being an everlasting emotion. Something that sweeps you off your feet at times. Something that irritates you at times. Something that you are willing to work hard for. Something that at times you are willing to let go off. Something that is required all the time in one form or the other. Something that we can't seem to live without. Something that makes you do stupid things in its name.

Love is unquestionably and undoubtedly an emotion which surpasses all other emotions in a person. We all look for it. We look for it everywhere we can. We fight for it whenever we can. We laugh over it for as long as it is possible. We live for it for as long as we breathe.

My last weekend was as beautiful and perfect as one could have asked for. But that also got me thinking of a few things. Is it possible to stop loving? Is it possible to love two people at the same time? Does that mean you never loved the first person? Does it make you feel like a bad person for loving the second person? Does it ever fill you with the guilt of being wrong? Or does it sometimes make you realize the importance of the first person over second? And if you do still fall for the second person, does that mean you are being unfaithful?

There are times when despite being with one person for a couple of years, you click better with other person and fall for him/her. I have heard people term this as cheating. But come to think of it, can it really be termed as cheating? In our pursuit of being good and kind, we sometimes value the happiness of the other person over ours. In an attempt to remain loyal, we demean ourselves and the second person who for a shorter span of time became all you ever wanted.

Relationships are tough to handle. They are tricky and they take you off by surprises. They make you feel loved and guilty at the same time. They make you feel high and stupid all at once. No matter how long we have been in a relationship, there are times when you realize the missing elements. There are times when you stay in them because you might end up hurting the person you are with. There are moments which make you want to let go but you can't.

Is it wise to stay in a relationship because you have been in it for long? Or is it wiser to stay in a relationship because it is what you have wanted for long? An acquaintance of mine terms falling for the second person 'temporary insanity.' He says, sometimes it is necessary to fall for the second person for it helps you to realize what you really want. This got me thinking that in an attempt to pick and choose, you end up hurting one person more than what they deserved. Is this really the price one should be made to pay for being good? I would say that when you do not have any intentions of catching the person, you shouldn't make him/her fall for you. And if the second person helps you figure out what you really want in life, then maybe the first person wasn't the right fit for you.

Maybe there are no right moments, right people, right answers, maybe sometimes you just have to say what's in your heart. Don't lose sight of what you want for what you have. You gotta take some chances, you gotta risk losing it all, you gotta close your eyes and leap because it might be worth the fall.

(P.S: If you fall in love with two people, pick the second. If you really loved the first person, you wouldn't have fallen for the other)If you fall in love with two people, pick the second. If you really loved the first person, you wouldn't have fallen for the other.

If you fall in love with two people, pick the second. If you really loved the first person, you wouldn't have fallen for the other.

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If you fall in love with two people, pick the second. If you really loved the first person, you wouldn't have fallen for the other.

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Single & (Un)Happy !!!

At my age, I don't really find it weird when people come and ask me about my marital status. If I am still a single, they show concern. If I am married, they ask about kids (when am I having one). And if I am seeing someone, they would want to know all possible details about the person and when would our relationship get converted into 'Holy Matrimony.' I don't blame them for asking such questions. Indian society is conditioned like that. And I do not think I will be wrong if I say that the world is conditioned like that.

When it comes to being a single and at an age where most people prefer getting married, being a single seems like a sin in our so called modern society. Why am I single? I do not know. Do I like being a single? I would lie if I said yes. Of course no one likes being single. Am I single by choice? I do not think so. Aren't you bothered about getting married? If marriage brings botheration, then what exactly is the point of getting married. What are you still looking for? Someone who I can wake up next to, smiling. Do I still have so many choices left with most singles, taken? I do not see any problem in that. Do I have a particular type? I am not buying a shampoo. It's a person for heaven sake. Wouldn't I find it difficult adjusting with a person, now? We keep adjusting to situations all our life. This is just a person.

Not only these. I can come up with infinite number of questions that people throw at singles. Being a single is not a crime. And lemme just mention one thing. No one is single by choice. As humans, we all like to be loved and to love. We cannot by any means live in seclusion. We like who we are but we also like what others can make us feel. Singles are not a deprived lot of people who society shows concern for so much that it sometimes get on your nerves.

With friends, relatives, family constantly at a watch guard to find you a suitable match, one is bound to feel the social pressure around. And given our society, where girls are measured on the basis of their weight, age, colour, height and their working status. And guys are measured by their income level, social status (read liquidity), number of siblings (lesser the better), whether living with parents (how would you like if your son disowns you for his wife) and a lot more which makes me detest this whole matrimony 'business' in our country. A single facing all of this along with the stress of the work, is bound to break down.

Yesterday, a friend was very sad because of his single status. He wants to get married, soon. Why? Because, all his friends are married now. Because, his parents want him to. Because, everyone around him talks about marriage. Because, everyone expects him to be married at this age. To which I had only one question. What do you want? To which he had only one answer, which I have heard a lot of people say. I don't know. I just wanna be married.

Marriage, no doubt is between two families. But it's you who will have to run it. Not the friends who tease you in the cafeteria. Not the relatives who show a huge amount of concern now. Not the parents because they would not be there with you forever. And not the neighbours who poke their nose in all your businesses.

Being single doesn't mean that no one wants you. Or no one likes you. Or you have a problem. You don't love a person all at once. You might not like a few things in yourself and would want to change them. You might not like a few things in the other person and would want to change them. Its the one who loves the flawed you who you should give your heart to. Because no matter what other people say, you definitely are beautifully imperfect !!

(P.S: It's tempting to wish for the perfect boss - the perfect parent - or the perfect outfit. But maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got.)

Great Expectations !!!

I hate it when people expect a tad bit too much from you all the time. Sure enough, I was there the last time you needed me but things change, time changes and so have I. Suck it up. Your calling me time and again and crying over messages doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the fact that you were a retard the last time we spoke and all those years you have been meaning to ruin my life. It doesn't change the fact that we aren't exactly on what you call 'good terms' right now.

This wasn't me speaking out loud 'what's going on in my mind' right now or for that matter what goes on in my mind all the time. But a sad and true story of a few relationships that have to end sometimes. Its about people expecting too much when they themselves have too little to give. I remember a friend telling me about her boyfriend who used to crib and nag all the time about the friends she has or had (I guess she gave up on those friends to be with him). But when it came to the guy's friends, they were all perfect, infact too perfect to be true.  So perfect, that he gave them more importance over the lady love of his life.

Expectations aren't wrong or unsound. As a matter of fact , they keep the two people who are together, going strong. On my flight back to Delhi from Bangalore, in the winter of 2011, I met a lady, a very intelligent lady who said as long as your partner asks you about your whereabouts and he/she is interested in your life, you two have nothing to worry about. It's when he is not interested in your appearance and ignores you or for that matter doesn't expect anything from you, you have everything to worry about. Because now you know he has lost interest. I couldn't have agreed more. As long as two people truly care about each other, they would want to be a part of each other's life.

Being a part of someone's life doesn't mean that you two will share the food on the plate daily or you two will keep texting about everything that happens in your happy/sad life, or you will update your Facebook status every hour to tell each other how much you miss him/her. In the true sense, it means keeping the other person involved in your life (leaving the detailed description, unless asked). Expectations, if not fulfilled lead to disappointments, which is true in all relationships. Be it your family or your friends, we all expect them to be there when we need them. It goes without saying that they too expect the same from us.

A relationship without expectations is like food without salt. Its bland and boring. While expecting too much is sure to kill a relationship, the opposite can also be true. Every relationship has its high points which are bound to be levelled out over time. If we base our expectations forever on those highs, the rest of the relationship is bound to be disappointing.

Expectations about running into someone who might change your world and give you fluttering butterflies in the pit of your stomach might be a thing of the past. Ever thought of you running into someone and changing their life forever?

(P.S: When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are !!)

Maa Tujhe Salaam !!!

I remember coming back home from school one fine afternoon, crying. I was not only crying, I was making my parents promise that they would never send me to the school again. It was a place where I got scolded and was made to work, when I didn't want to. All I wanted to do was sit next to the cute guy in the class and play, sing songs and share my lunch box. I was hugged and put to sleep.

One night I remember waking up from a bad dream and found myself weeping. I do not remember what I dreamt about. What I remember is that I was hugged and put to sleep again.

I fought with my best friend in college. I do not remember the reason but I remember coming back home and shouting on top of my voice and then crying again. I did not want to fight. It just happened and I did not know what to do. I do not remember why I fought and now I do not even remember who I fought. I remember being hugged and given a smile that made me feel better and at ease.

I scored low in a subject and I was scared. I couldn't have scored low. I studied hard for it. I worked so much on the tests. I put in 16 hours of study on the subject. How could this have happened to me. But it did. I do not remember what subject was it and what did I score in it. But I remember being motivated and I remember being told 'hard work pays off and I need not base my self worth on the basis of the marks I scored.' I remember being told I could do better and I remember being kissed on the forehead.

I fell ill and I blacked out. I fell off the stairs and I hurt myself. I cried endlessly. I do not remember when this happened and how ill I was. But I remember being put in my bed and taken care of. I remember being hugged and tended to.

I started working and I loved it. I starting loving my work and was given more work. I started hating the work load and people around. I whined and nagged. I cribbed and sniveled. I do not remember what work made me hate my work. I do not remember what did I whine about. But I remember being asked to calm down and take up activities that make me feel better. I remember being comforted and consoled. I remember being asked to quit if I wanted to. 

I loved and I lost. I cried and was exhausted. I hated the world. I hated myself. I do not remember why I loved so much and why did I cry so much. But I remember being told that I deserve someone better. I remember being told that it's destiny's way of saying you deserve to be loved more and to love more. I remember being taken into arms that would never leave me and put to sleep in the lap of the person holding me.

I lost four people I loved dearly. I was heartbroken, shattered and crushed. I was let down by people I cared for the most. I was being pulled down and was falling apart. I do not remember how I felt at that moment. I do not remember how I pulled myself back together. But I remember being told that I am strong and I will make through this like everything else. I remember being hugged and told that I am tougher than the situation itself.

I do not remember how I grew up to be this strong. I do not remember the source of my strength for surviving setbacks. I do not remember my source of inspiration. I do not remember my origin. I do not remember my mistakes. I do not remember being put down. I do not remember crying to sleep. I do not remember sadness. But I remember moments.

I remember being happy. I remember being euphoric. I remember laughing in splits. I remember being held. I remember being kissed. I remember being hugged. I remember sleeping comfortably. I remember the source of my laugh lines. I remember the wild child that I was. I remember being pampered and I remember being at ease. I remember my maker. I remember my mom.

I might not remember most people and situations I have been through in life. But I remember each day when I was hugged by my mother and inspired to move ahead in life. I might not be a perfect daughter but I couldn't have asked for a more perfect mother.

Alice Walker once said, “In search of my mother's garden, I found my own.”

(P.S: When I stopped seeing my mother with the eyes of a child, I saw the woman who helped me give birth to myself.)

From Boys To Men !!!

Fluttering eyelashes, a cute lil' smile, coyness in the way one talks, demureness in the way one walks, the shyness in the laughter, the glance over the shoulder to look for someone, the puppy eye look on the face and weirdness written all over. But this was then.

Confident in every possible manner, from boldness in the way one talks to chic in the way one looks, from being independent to being self reliant, from being a sexy bit*h to a naughty damsel, from being hot to being a 'girl next door', from working full time to cooking full time, from being a partner to being a mother; the journey for a lady hasn't been easy.

Just last night I was having a conversation ( a meaningless at that) with an old school friend of mine. From wanting or desiring the hottest looking female with a bit*hy attitude then (read school), boys have come off age. Not only they drooled over every sexy female in school making all the efforts to bag the chick, they made every possible attempt to make this fact known after their efforts paid off. After all, who doesn't like winning the trophy !!

10 years hence and the same guy would or is looking for someone who has the calmest demeanor and looks that say 'take me home'. From someone who not only understands him when he speaks out loud to someone who knows how to read the unwritten and hear the unspoken. From carrying herself with elegance to managing the house without whining. From looking like a trophy wife to his friends to behaving like a sexy siren with him. From being patient to being kind, from being hot to being cool, from being religious to being a goddess.

This made me question the changing dynamics of a relationship. What he said didn't surprise me much. In school he would have wanted someone who could manipulate people and lie on the face with an 'in-your face' attitude. Someone who other guys would drool over. Someone who would smoke a pot and could be bedded easily. Someone who wouldn't want a serious relationship. Someone who every guy would want.

But when it comes to men his age (post 25), they want someone who is willing to give it all to a relationship. Someone who drinks up and still behaves like a lady with class. Someone who is honest and non manipulative. Men want women who are emotionally mature. Maturity does not mean lack of emotions. It does mean the ability to handle emotions responsibly.  Many women treat men in ways that diminish their egos, making them feel inadequate. Men would rather have more praise, more acknowledgment of what they do right, more acknowledgment that they are great guys who are loved and appreciated.

The desire to love and be loved is the most basic human need. Women who are resigned to the myth that all men cheat: infidelity and “a roaming eye” are as distasteful to men as they are to women. Great men know how to build a wonderful relationship, and they know fidelity is the main ingredient.

Though this conversation didn't surprise me much, it still feels good to know that men will always be men. They would never know who they want, what they want until the right one comes along and tells them that 'he is what she wants'.

(P.S: Someone in his right state of mind once said, "being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.")

First Impressions !!

Unlike the most of you, I am not that great at first impressions. More so, if it's someone I am meeting for the first time. Doubly so, if I want to be nice around him/her. Triply so, if I like him/her. Quadruple it, if I want him/her to like me. As much as I hate it, I cant avoid it. From acting weird to being nervous, from being all sweaty to constantly looking around, from laughing to making funny faces, it jus' seems to worsen.

I am sure most of you like me love making first impressions, good ones at that. But in some situations where you really have no control over your actions and expressions, do we write off people based on a nervous first impression? Do they matter so much that we completely change our outlook towards the person? Do we ourselves always end up making the best possible first impressions? Can't we be too quick to judge? Did we even make an attempt to make the other person feel comfortable? Lastly and the most important, do first impressions change? Is it possible that you can go back and make a first impression again?

There are numerous articles on the web stating the importance of first impressions. From being confident to being polite, from being respectful to being nice (I still haven't been able to define nice), from dressing appropriately to making a checklist of things to talk about (where were all of these articles when my first impression went wrong), from talking about your likes and dislikes to maintaining calmness in what you do and how you act. From controlling your body language to maintaining eye contact, from being courteous to smelling good. Pheewwww !!!

Reading all is good. Sticking to the basics of making lasting first impressions better. Being yourself, even if that means being a lil' nervous, anxious, apprehensive, shaky and twitchy isn't all that bad either. Because then you are being you. And if that's the worst side of you, the better side can sweep someone off their feet (too filmy again, its the effect of watching too many movies these days).

On a more serious note, we all love to make ever lasting, wonderful first impressions. Showcasing our best side, our top notch vocabulary, our common interests and likes, dressing to impress and making conversation that would make the other person completely fall for you. But I remember learning all of this during my soft skills classes during my MBA. What we were not taught was that we could go wrong and falter. What we were also not taught was ways to correct them. What we were forgotten to be told was that in an attempt to create a better impression, you might create a bad second impression.

Just as looks are deceptive and we all want people to like us, do not worry about making bizarre first impressions because impressive first impressions can be practiced and rehearsed. Jus' go out and be yourself. If being nervous is the worst side of you, you sure as hell would be great at your best side. And as I always say, we all are weird, some all the times, some a lot of times and some never. But when you find that weird person who's compatible with your weirdness, that's when you know that first impressions are really just a result of you being vulnerable.

I guess my parents too said it around 27 years ago that our girl is weird, but look we've stuck around forever now. Sometimes you might discover it was "The One" who almost got away because you were too quick to judge. And we do tend to believe our worst reviews when it comes to love and life !!

(P.S: I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it !!)

The Key To Your Heart !!!

Some call it an institution. Some have experienced bliss in it. Some play it very cool. Some are stuck in it for the sake of other people. Some are too much dependent on it for their own happiness. And for most of us, it's important at some point or the other. I haven't been through it myself but I have seen people experiencing various moods while in or out of it: melancholy, discontent, happiness, distress, ecstasy, regret and a lot more than I can ever name. I have most often been told by most people around me that it is a gamble, which a lot of us play only once and the lucky ones get to play it more than once in one lifetime. I do not need to elaborate further on what I am talking about. Marriage might have been called by many as an end to your freedom but for me it is an accomplishment of love and not an end to it.

In the morning a friend of mine was talking to me about a girl who he doesn't want to marry but is not willing to let go off what they share: bedroom, shopping excursions, a social status (which apparently you have when you are dating, 'coz if you aren't then you are no more the cool guy or the hot chick....sigh !!), the dinner dates at home, someone to share your problems with, a shoulder to cry on and not to mention the free s*x that just comes with it. But when it comes to marriage, he cannot take a leap in that direction b'coz of many reasons that I found unworthy of mentioning here. Even if I felt like giving him a piece of my mind, I chose to ignore and listen. But one piece of advice Mr Jerk, when it comes to relationships of the heart, one shouldn't be too careful about everything and careless about nothing.

Arranged or love, we all seem to have our own perspectives on each one of them. Some who are willing to settle down for love think they have nothing to lose but for the others, there's a lot at stake. One of my closest friend who's getting married soon always wanted to marry for love but as luck would have it, she 's been chosen to find love after getting hitched. There's a crazy concept that we all believe in: Destiny. Whenever something doesn't go as planned, we choose to blame it on our fate. And because it was predestined to happen, we could have done nothing about it.

This brings me to the thought that what if because you could not do anything, you are stuck in a loveless and lifeless marriage. Would it be called destiny then? Would we blame our stars for not making it work? Would we then move on and take a leap in other direction? Would we then call our parents to our rescue? Would we then call it our ill fate? Would we then sacrifice our life for the happiness of others? Would a marriage that could have been an epic novel end as a short story?

Any marriage just like any other relationship goes through rough patches. For some these patches last longer than expected and for some less than 24 hrs. I have seen people living happily ever after, and a few never even wanting to see each other months after getting married. I am no advocate on a list of things to make a marriage work but for a start give it all you've got and don't hold back. When one can prepare the answers to the questions in an exam, muster the art of cooking by practicing, run marathons by putting in all the effort, make ourselves look impeccable by spending hours in front of the mirror, marriage doesn't seem that big of a deal to me.

Live in the moment and remember at one point or the other, romance will give way to reality and that's when you'll know what to do.

(P.S: Everyone thinks they know so goddamned much about everything and no one knows f**k all about anything !!)