The Reason !!!

I didn't know why but I knew I loved it. I knew I should not but I could not stop. I lied to myself and spoke the truth to you. I want to believe but I do not allow myself to. I want to be told again and again and even if you do, I choose not to listen. I want to be held but I am scared. I have seen pain. I have heard myself break down. I close my heart each time I hear you speak. I know this is different but how do I know for sure. My heart and my mind pull me in two different directions. You have seen the best but not the worst. I trust myself but I do not trust myself with you. You seem like a dream and I am no dreamer.

I stand amongst the crowd looking in a direction opposite to where you stand. I am afraid to look at you. I am afraid you would see me cry. I am afraid you would let me fall. I am afraid you would let me go. I am afraid to feel the pain. I am afraid to look at you walk away. I am afraid of not waking up next to you. I am afraid of seeing you pulled away. I am afraid to wake up from my dream. I am afraid to lose you. I am afraid of the world. I am afraid that I am one amongst the crowd.

You live in a world where everything is dreamy eyed. I live in a world where everything is actuality. A step into my world and you took me to yours. I don't belong there but you ask me to stay. I don't want to be equated. I don't want to be hated. I don't want to be left. I don't want to change. I don't want to be restricted. I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to be affected. I don't want to leave but I know you will.

People say if it brings you to it, it gets you through it. My faith in this gets stronger each day spent with you. My faith makes me stay. My faith makes me happy. My faith makes me believe. My faith makes me forget. My faith brings me closer to you. My faith holds on to you. My faith accepts me. My faith makes me love myself more. My faith holds my hand each moment I panic. My faith stands next to me to catch me each time I slip. My faith is sacred. My faith is you.

Loving you is all I am capable of. My heart beats like a drum each time it hears your voice. You don't know but that's how it is. You provide rhythm to my heart, the music of which only I can hear. I don't promise to turn nights into mornings but I will share the nights with you. I can't bring the stars to your feet but I will light each candle that will make your night bright. I don't promise it will be easy but I promise it won't be alone. I don't promise that I can take away all your pain but I promise I will bring a smile on your face each time you are in pain. I don't promise to stay forever but I will never leave your side for as long as I am alive.

A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather. I was praying that you and me might end up together. It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert. But I am holding you closer than most because you are my heaven !!

(P.S: I may not be the most beautiful, the sexiest or the girl with the perfect body, but I don't pretend to be someone I am not. I am good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things I have done in my past, but I am proud of who I am today !!)

Someone Special !!!

I like waking up in the mornings to the sound of your voice. I love the way you say my name with so much care and passion. The way you laugh with me when I laugh makes me feel loved. The exhilaration, the excitement, the joyfulness that makes my eyes sparkle is hard to miss. I feel intoxicated. I had long forgotten the feeling of 'butterflies in the stomach'. Its like listening to acoustics again and again and yet again. Its like the soulfulness that has long been missed. 

Smiling like a baby, I rest in your arms. My beamish eyes hold you in them. My faith in you makes me want you more. My faith in you makes me want us more. My faith in us makes me want our life more. It now seems like eternity that I have known you. My love for you grows leaps and bounds with each passing day. We had to meet. It was inevitable. It was predestined. 

The laughter, all day smiles, sparkling eyes, my engaged mind, the nervousness in my voice, the calmness in your voice, you arouse feelings in me that I was scared to feel. You elicit in me a person I had long forgotten I was. You have rekindled hopes of love within me. You say you are not worthy of me. I wish I could tell you that you are. That we both are.  

I did three things today; miss you, miss you, and miss you.
Whenever I start feeling sad, because I miss you, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss. Because I love you and I miss you, hearing your voice is the closest thing to touching you. 

When the night has come and the land's dark, when the moon is the only light we'll see, look at the stars; can you count them? I miss you that much. Sometimes I miss you so much, I just want to rip you out of my dreams and hug you. Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. I miss you like the sun misses the flowers in the depths of winter, instead of beauty to direct its light to, the heart hardens like the frozen world which your absence has banished me to.

I don't want you to know, so I try to be strong. I don't want you to think that without you, I can't go on. But that's how it is, and that's how it will be, because, Baby, I love you, I need you, I miss you, and without you, there's no me.

(P.S: It's true we don't know what we've got until it's gone, but we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. )

Covert Affairs !!!

Phone calls all the time, sharing your darkest secrets, going out watching movies, clubbing, dancing, shopping, dining, lunching, partying, and ending it with a night of physical and only physical pleasure. Welcome to a world where friends come with benefits and emotions come without a tag.

A night at a friends place, alcohol and a few hours of swaying to the music together is what it takes to get two people into an intimate relationship. Or so I was told. When it comes to sex, there is no one who knows your needs better than a friend who you have shared all your desires with. This friend has always been there when you have needed him and doesn't mind going that extra mile to luxuriate you in a sexual activity. No perplexity, no complexity.

A no strings attached relationship is what most youngsters today are looking for. With an advancement of careers and a shift in the work hours, who has time for real relationships? On offer are hook-ups, one night stands and having no strings attached sex with a close friend, who has sexual needs too, rather than a total stranger. So can we say that we live in a time where physical needs surpass emotional needs.

What happened to the good old dating routine which gave you time to know each other and being there for each other? Is sex overrated? Or we have needs that can't wait? Many people decide to stay in these fine relationships not because they consider them the loves of their lives - but because they are comfortable because of past history, mutual interests and friendship. And that is until someone better comes along.

A friend of mine told me that FWB’s  don’t sleep together because they can’t keep their hands off each other. They sleep together because there isn’t anyone else more appealing at the moment. I don't seem to disagree with this because I have come across people who in spite of having a doting partner go ahead and indulge in casual and emotionless physical relationships.

But what happens when one of them falls for the other and wants to take the emotional plunge to give a meaningful turn to the 'just friends' relationship. You say all or you say none at all. For our generation, relationships are like a game of monopoly. The more you get into it, the better you think you are getting at it. And the more addictive it gets. What we sometimes forget are the ways to snap out of these so called obsessive cravings.

(P.S: These relationships come with an expiry date and before you know they start to curdle up ruining what you had for what you will never have !!)

Affirmation !!!

I didn't even realize I existed until now. I wanted to cheer with joy, basking in happiness, finally realizing my presence. I opened my eyes to look around. It was a peaceful and warm day. Chirping of birds, trees whooshing around me, fresh breeze and somewhere in the neighborhood, a very romantic couple was gracefully and rhythmically moving to the music of Kenny G. Isn't this the perfect start to a brand new day.

A day that holds so many surprises for each one us. A day when I finally feel important. A day when I feel loved. A day I never thought I would see the light of. A day which I wanted to live. A day where I wanted to be happy. A day when I feel blessed. A day where I would be a part of someone's happiness. A day which holds in itself magic.

There's nothing more intriguing than life. Life sometimes is magical, viewed by some as mere illusion, a dream which we weave around people we love. I would do the same. I want to be loved. I want to love. I want to feel the actuality of being loved. The emotions once deprived, today flowed with love and an eagerness.

It was the flow of my thoughts or the sweet lullaby, I didn't remember sleeping. I was happy in this world, a happy world, a world where I was valued, a world which would embrace me with open arms, a world which had given me a sense of belonging. This was one of those 'Kodak Moments'. It was the beginning of my happy days. I would forget what happened in the past. Let go of all those memories that have hurt me. Let go of what others had said about you. This is my world, my place, my space, my creation, the reason for my existence, the real world for my real life.

All those memories of crying, being hit, those lonely and sleepless nights spent in despair, the outcries and screams will have to be buried. I would not let the thoughts of those nights ruin my love for the world. I would have to stop reminiscing about all that happened in the past. I will spread the message of love and peace. I would be the change that I had wished to see. I would be the personification of happiness. I would be a personification of you. I would be a personification of love. I would be a personification of my world.

Thoughts began to fade away. Was it time for me to wake up? Or was it time for me to finally spread the message of love? Have I proved others wrong? Have I been finally able to bring them to see my love for them? Have I been able to make them love me? Have I been able to outshine the others? Have I been able to win over them with my smile and my innocence? Have they finally realized my importance? Have they finally decided to keep me?

I prayed as I began recollecting the memories from the past. I was numb. I did not feel anything. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I wanted to smile but something held me back. I froze in time. I am the messenger of love. I thought I was the messenger of love. I thought I was born out of love. I thought I was special. I thought I was yours. I was afraid if I would sleep now, I wouldn't wake up.

They were right and I was wrong. They were right to question your love. They were right to question my love. They were right to question the world. They were right to question my overwhelming happiness. They were afraid for me because they loved me. But I loved you mom and you let me go just like you let go of others.

Everything Fades !!!

I lie on the sand, music playing in the background, music that one doesn't get to hear anywhere else, music that is melodious, music that touches your heart, melody that I couldn't ignore, the keynotes that somehow I didn't want to shrug off, sounds that pulled me towards itself, the auditory sensation flowing through me, the perfect pleasant sound that my ears longed to hear.

I lie on the sand wanting to hold the moments. I lie there tying myself to the short lived, fleeting moment. I lie there because there is nothing that I wouldn't do to keep this passing moment alive. There is nothing that would make me more alive than this moment. There is nothing that I have but this moment.

Today was special. Today was about me. Today was about him. Today was about us. Today all I cared was to listen to each sound playing close to me, pay heed to the most silent prayers that have been answered, obey and give in to the sound of my own heartbeat. Today was all I cared about and today was what I had. Today was what I would have.

How could I let go of this moment which was special in every possible manner. How could I rest my head when all I wanted to do was be as close to you as possible. How could I close my eyes when all I wanted was to look at you. How could I let you walk away when all I wanted to do was hold you. How could I verbalize when all I wanted to do was listen to your heartbeat. How could I not live this moment, the only true moment that I had.

Its dusk and I know you'll go. I know I'll go. I know this wouldn't last. I know this looked like a dream, a distant dream. But we know it's all we have. Looking together at the setting sun, wishing that time would freeze, hoping against hope to relive this moment over and over again, longing for this day to stay longer than usual, expecting to wake up the next morning smiling at each other, counting on the possibility of sitting next to each other. I know it will pass. You know it will pass. We still dream. We still believe. We still have faith. We still have us.

Its night and as hours pass, I hold you closer. I hold you close to my heart, listening to the sound of water gushing, stars gazing at us, the darkness of the night assuring, stillness in the air, calmness in the hands that hold me. Am I being hypnotized or maybe its that hour of the night where sleep begins to dawn on me. I try and keep my eyes open. I know I can't. I try harder and I succeed this time. We had dreamt of this day for so long. We wanted to see the first light of the sun together. We wanted to live together. We wanted our lives together.

Its dawn and I sleep. It's the morning that we have waited for so long, but I sleep. I sleep smiling. I sleep content. I sleep because I can. I sleep because I have you. I sleep because I knew I would. I sleep because you knew I would. I sleep because we knew I would. I sleep because I have now lived my dream. I sleep because there is nothing that I could do to relive. I sleep because I have lived. I sleep because I couldn't live.