Here's a small story to begin with...
There was once a lil' girl born to very loving parents. She was brought up to be strong, to be kind, to be respectful, and to always stand up for what she believed in - even if that meant standing alone sometimes. She was taught never to hurt people, she was taught to help people around her, she was taught to see the good in people, and love them for who they are. She was taught to work hard, and make her mark in the hearts of people in her life. For as long as she lived with her parents, she saw kindness and strength in her mother, and ambition and respect in her father. She did not know at that young age what all this meant. Why were her parents teaching her to be strong at such a young age? She was just a child. A child who was loved. Loved immensely by everyone around her. A child beaming with laughter. A child who her parents and family adored. A child who always felt safe in the arms of her loved ones. A child who had a home, and people she could trust and talk to.
Let's talk about this now...
How would you feel if you ever wanted to talk to someone, and you had no one? How would you feel that you have these words, and feelings that you need to pour out, but have no one who would listen to them? How would you feel if you ever wanted to talk about what was going on in your heart and mind, and all you were told was to be quiet? Do you know how it feels to not talk, not speak about how you feel, not have anyone around who would just sit and listen to you - listen to you talk about anything and everything you want to. Do you know how it feels to be left without a place to live? Do you know how it feels to be left on the side of the road in the middle of the night? Do you know how it feels to have all your belongings taken away from you in a country far away from your home, away from people who would be there for you in a heartbeat, and be told that you deserve this? Do you know how it feels to sleep on the bench in the park in the middle of the night shivering in the cold breeze? I do.
We all have that one person, our go-to person who we can share anything with. In most cases, it is either one of our siblings, or a best friend, or a spouse, or a parent. But, what if the person you chose to talk to everything with abandons you? How would that make you feel? How would that make you feel if you weren't able to share your emotions, and your feelings for 6 long years? Would it make you emotionless? Or would it make you feel abandoned? Or would it make you feel unloved, and uncared for? And last of all, would it change you? It changed me.
I don't know. I don't know how you would feel. But I felt alone and lonely. I felt a void in my heart every morning I woke up. I felt like a burden on the person I woke up next to. I felt like a burden on myself. I felt depressed, anxious, and unwanted. You would ask, why did I not get out of this situation? And to that I would answer I don't know. Did I ever want to get out of that situation? Yes! Everyday I woke up, I had suicidal thoughts. And just like all other thoughts that were locked up inside of me, these thoughts were also guarded. But, the problem was that I did have these thoughts. Would I act upon it? I did.
Ever since I posted that blog about my break up with my ex husband, I received over 500 messages. Messages that show pity, messages that portray sympathy, messages of encouragement, messages of anger, messages of suggestions, messages of similar situations, messages asking questions, messages of hatred, messages of love, messages of support, messages offering me numbers to talk to, messages making me want to believe in love again, and so many more. Thank you. My heartfelt thanks to people who have genuinely cared for me, and my heartfelt love and encouragement to people who had the time and energy to judge my situation and write me hate messages. I hope some day you find the strength to go through what I have been through, and still hate yourself. I will drink to that tonight. Now judge me for all I care.
I have had ample opportunities to talk about my feelings over the last couple of months. I have had ample support from everyone who knows me and who wants to sympathize with me because of my "situation". But I still choose to keep my words and my feelings to myself. I choose to show strength everyday I open my eyes. I choose to keep my emotions enclosed in the tiniest corner of my heart. Yes, I want to be in bed every morning. Not because I want to sleep more. But because being alone is a lonely road and one where you are judged not because of who you are, but what your past was. But, I choose strength over negativity. I choose to ignore every voice and glance coming my way. I choose quiet. It's because my mother since my childhood taught me to be kind and to choose my words carefully for people who are judging me are going through their own battles.
All my life, I was so scared of loving myself, of doing things I wanted to because we are always taught to care about our society, and "behave appropriately". But, if I may ask today - who is "society"? And who decides what is "appropriate" and what is not? Why is there such a taboo about being divorced, being single at 30 something, being childless, being more ambitious than your male counterparts, dating a divorced female, marrying a divorced female, being gay, talking about depression, and so many more issues that we as a society love judging, but do not want to talk about.
Why do guys who themselves go home with a crate of beer send me messages regarding me drinking wine and asking me if I am addicted to drinking? Who are you again? Why do girls have the need to message me and 'suggest' me to keep my private life private? Why do I need to respond to messages telling me that I should not be talking about my abusive marriage so openly? Why do I need to stay quiet about a guy who till date messages me asking me to take him back in one message, and abusing me and calling me a w***e in the next message. Why does he get to get any respect from me by keeping quiet about him, and not making his name public? Why?
Would girls messaging me about keeping "hush hush" about my divorce give the same advice to their sisters or daughters? And if you do or did, I will be the first one judging you. Do guys who judge me know how many times I have been dragged on the floor and slapped and punched on my face? Do these people know that I have been left on the side of the road like a 'prostitute' in the middle of the night on multiple occasions? Why? Because I refused to do 'as I was told'. I would not stroke a man's ego by putting myself down. I would not stay 'quiet' because somehow society thinks that is appropriate for a woman who wants to marry again. I would not put my ambition aside and stop doing things that make me happy because I am asked to do that.
A strong man would not ask me to be quiet for giving a boost to his ego. For him, my past does not define me. Just as your past does not define you. A strong man will choose to see beyond my imperfections, and respect what I stand for. For he knows that I am what I am because of the strength of my character, and that my stripes and bruises mean that I have lived through tough times and still managed to survive.
I loved my husband. Immensely. Everyone could see it in my eyes. I will never deny it. Not to my friends. Not to my parents. Not to the society. Not to anyone. But the truth is, he did not love me. He disrespected me and left me every chance he got. But, I stuck around and had hope. As much as I would hate to admit it, I was wrong. My love could not make him love me. My love for him did not make him a better person. Unfortunately, our love story wasn't an epic novel. It was a short story, but that doesn't make it any less filled with love from my side.
People who know me well they know I will go to the ends of this earth to love them, protect them, care for them, and stand by them in the toughest of times. People who don't know me well...well that's a story for another time....
P.S. The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous. - Carrie Bradshaw
There was once a lil' girl born to very loving parents. She was brought up to be strong, to be kind, to be respectful, and to always stand up for what she believed in - even if that meant standing alone sometimes. She was taught never to hurt people, she was taught to help people around her, she was taught to see the good in people, and love them for who they are. She was taught to work hard, and make her mark in the hearts of people in her life. For as long as she lived with her parents, she saw kindness and strength in her mother, and ambition and respect in her father. She did not know at that young age what all this meant. Why were her parents teaching her to be strong at such a young age? She was just a child. A child who was loved. Loved immensely by everyone around her. A child beaming with laughter. A child who her parents and family adored. A child who always felt safe in the arms of her loved ones. A child who had a home, and people she could trust and talk to.
Let's talk about this now...
How would you feel if you ever wanted to talk to someone, and you had no one? How would you feel that you have these words, and feelings that you need to pour out, but have no one who would listen to them? How would you feel if you ever wanted to talk about what was going on in your heart and mind, and all you were told was to be quiet? Do you know how it feels to not talk, not speak about how you feel, not have anyone around who would just sit and listen to you - listen to you talk about anything and everything you want to. Do you know how it feels to be left without a place to live? Do you know how it feels to be left on the side of the road in the middle of the night? Do you know how it feels to have all your belongings taken away from you in a country far away from your home, away from people who would be there for you in a heartbeat, and be told that you deserve this? Do you know how it feels to sleep on the bench in the park in the middle of the night shivering in the cold breeze? I do.
We all have that one person, our go-to person who we can share anything with. In most cases, it is either one of our siblings, or a best friend, or a spouse, or a parent. But, what if the person you chose to talk to everything with abandons you? How would that make you feel? How would that make you feel if you weren't able to share your emotions, and your feelings for 6 long years? Would it make you emotionless? Or would it make you feel abandoned? Or would it make you feel unloved, and uncared for? And last of all, would it change you? It changed me.
I don't know. I don't know how you would feel. But I felt alone and lonely. I felt a void in my heart every morning I woke up. I felt like a burden on the person I woke up next to. I felt like a burden on myself. I felt depressed, anxious, and unwanted. You would ask, why did I not get out of this situation? And to that I would answer I don't know. Did I ever want to get out of that situation? Yes! Everyday I woke up, I had suicidal thoughts. And just like all other thoughts that were locked up inside of me, these thoughts were also guarded. But, the problem was that I did have these thoughts. Would I act upon it? I did.
Ever since I posted that blog about my break up with my ex husband, I received over 500 messages. Messages that show pity, messages that portray sympathy, messages of encouragement, messages of anger, messages of suggestions, messages of similar situations, messages asking questions, messages of hatred, messages of love, messages of support, messages offering me numbers to talk to, messages making me want to believe in love again, and so many more. Thank you. My heartfelt thanks to people who have genuinely cared for me, and my heartfelt love and encouragement to people who had the time and energy to judge my situation and write me hate messages. I hope some day you find the strength to go through what I have been through, and still hate yourself. I will drink to that tonight. Now judge me for all I care.
I have had ample opportunities to talk about my feelings over the last couple of months. I have had ample support from everyone who knows me and who wants to sympathize with me because of my "situation". But I still choose to keep my words and my feelings to myself. I choose to show strength everyday I open my eyes. I choose to keep my emotions enclosed in the tiniest corner of my heart. Yes, I want to be in bed every morning. Not because I want to sleep more. But because being alone is a lonely road and one where you are judged not because of who you are, but what your past was. But, I choose strength over negativity. I choose to ignore every voice and glance coming my way. I choose quiet. It's because my mother since my childhood taught me to be kind and to choose my words carefully for people who are judging me are going through their own battles.
All my life, I was so scared of loving myself, of doing things I wanted to because we are always taught to care about our society, and "behave appropriately". But, if I may ask today - who is "society"? And who decides what is "appropriate" and what is not? Why is there such a taboo about being divorced, being single at 30 something, being childless, being more ambitious than your male counterparts, dating a divorced female, marrying a divorced female, being gay, talking about depression, and so many more issues that we as a society love judging, but do not want to talk about.
Why do guys who themselves go home with a crate of beer send me messages regarding me drinking wine and asking me if I am addicted to drinking? Who are you again? Why do girls have the need to message me and 'suggest' me to keep my private life private? Why do I need to respond to messages telling me that I should not be talking about my abusive marriage so openly? Why do I need to stay quiet about a guy who till date messages me asking me to take him back in one message, and abusing me and calling me a w***e in the next message. Why does he get to get any respect from me by keeping quiet about him, and not making his name public? Why?
Would girls messaging me about keeping "hush hush" about my divorce give the same advice to their sisters or daughters? And if you do or did, I will be the first one judging you. Do guys who judge me know how many times I have been dragged on the floor and slapped and punched on my face? Do these people know that I have been left on the side of the road like a 'prostitute' in the middle of the night on multiple occasions? Why? Because I refused to do 'as I was told'. I would not stroke a man's ego by putting myself down. I would not stay 'quiet' because somehow society thinks that is appropriate for a woman who wants to marry again. I would not put my ambition aside and stop doing things that make me happy because I am asked to do that.
A strong man would not ask me to be quiet for giving a boost to his ego. For him, my past does not define me. Just as your past does not define you. A strong man will choose to see beyond my imperfections, and respect what I stand for. For he knows that I am what I am because of the strength of my character, and that my stripes and bruises mean that I have lived through tough times and still managed to survive.
I loved my husband. Immensely. Everyone could see it in my eyes. I will never deny it. Not to my friends. Not to my parents. Not to the society. Not to anyone. But the truth is, he did not love me. He disrespected me and left me every chance he got. But, I stuck around and had hope. As much as I would hate to admit it, I was wrong. My love could not make him love me. My love for him did not make him a better person. Unfortunately, our love story wasn't an epic novel. It was a short story, but that doesn't make it any less filled with love from my side.
People who know me well they know I will go to the ends of this earth to love them, protect them, care for them, and stand by them in the toughest of times. People who don't know me well...well that's a story for another time....
P.S. The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous. - Carrie Bradshaw
