My Tainted Heart!!

Oh God! I haven't written here for a while. I have wanted to write here for so long, sometimes even thought about taking out a few minutes of my time and writing a quick post. Just didn't have the time, and couldn't gather courage to write what my stupid heart wanted to write. But, today, here I am. Stronger, and with a clear mind...absolutely want to go ahead and write my first post after 4 long years!

Over these years, I have received so many messages from a lot of people asking me about my personal life. I have always maintained my quiet, thinking these questions one day will die down. And one day, i'll just tell it as is. One day, maybe, I wouldn't need to answer these questions...because deep down in my heart, I had hope. Hope that made me believe things, my life might change. But it didn't. And today, I just wanted to write an affirmation to myself, something that I can look at, never to have to look back again.

I was young, stupid, naive, silly, quirky, and a complete idiot when I passed out of college. I thought I had everything under control. I thought I knew what I wanted, and I will get it no matter what. I thought life was easy. I thought life would be worth falling in love with. I couldn't have been more wrong. A girl who was once the most pampered child of her family had to see what was about to come. It started with me losing my family - father, uncles, 2 brothers. The loss was massive. One that takes years to overcome. But, that didn't stop me from dreaming. I was always a dreamer. Always saw the good in people, in life, in moments, in everything. All I have ever wanted, and all I will ever want is to smile and be happy. Is that too much to ask? Maybe. Or maybe not!

I thought losing my family was the worst that could have happened to me. I couldn't have been more wrong. I met this guy who I fell in love with. I loved him with every breath I took. Because he was the only guy I ever loved. I wanted to spend my life with him, and I wanted that life to begin just at that moment. I do not know what drew me towards him. I do not know why he had this power over me - power I could not let go off. Power I did not want to let go off. People who know me know I love smiling, and I love being happy. You guys know that even the most powerful of setbacks never made me let go off my will to be happy.

When I met Nitin, it was love at first sight, and after that at every sight. There is not a shortage of the list of things I did for "earning" his love. Because I thought love needs to be earned. Like I previously said I was stupid. Don't judge me. He was unemployed when I met him. I helped him get a job so he could be with me. He demanded an XUV so his mother could have his car. I bought him one. Happily. Without a frown on my face.

When we got married, I was so happy. It was like a baby girl just got her favorite doll to play with. I thought now he would finally love me. Because it's just me in his life now. Maybe now he will see how much I loved him. My eyes yearned for his attention. All my heart ever wanted was his glance. Love in his glance. From waking up early in the mornings to make breakfast for him, to coming home after work and cooking dinner for a guy who would not even say thank you to me for attempting to do things I had never done in life. Was this the marriage I dreamed of? No. But this is what he gave me.

I spent every weekend alone in a house where there was no love. In the first month of my marriage, my husband told me he needed space from me. Every weekend which should have been spent with me, he wanted to spend that with his mum and his sisters. Because I bugged him too much. Because I wanted to talk, and watch silly girl movies with him, and I wanted to go to Select Citywalk with him like a normal couple. All I wanted was for him to spend time with me. But, maybe I wasn't enough for him. Maybe my love wasn't enough for him. After 5 months of my marriage with him where he broke tables, fridges, phones in the house and blamed me for bringing out this side of him, he left me. He left me at my mums house. He said he will come to me when he is ready to be with me. Right now, he just needed his family. What was I? Not family, ofcourse.

I spent 14 months without him. I lied to every person I met. I lied I was happy. I lied that my husband took care of me. I used to travel in buses to get to work at 8.30 in the morning from Sonipat. It used to take me 1.5 hrs just to get to work. All this while, he was at his mothers place, not caring about his wife. Even during the vows that couples take during their wedding, a husband promises to provide the bare minimum for his wife. In this marriage, the wife was providing, and was still being told that she's incompetent. She was told she was ugly, fat, unambitious, a small town who hadn't seen anything in life, needed to stop "hogging" on chocolates...the wife was just that, a piece of furniture in the house who he married but forgot she had a heart that used to beat.

In these 14 months, my husband used to visit me on weekends fortnightly when he felt like he could love me. Because that was the only way we could be together. In these 14 months, my mother-in-law never let me enter her house. And in these 14 months, my husband did not have the courage to stand up for me and leave his family to be with his wife. All this while, I thought it's ok. Maybe he is just burdened by his problems and cannot take a stand.

I started applying for my Masters/Ph.D to every possible university in every possible country that would offer me a spot. Luckily, I got through every university in New Zealand. I did all this just so my husband would love me. I thought once we move to New Zealand, he would finally love me. I mortgaged my house to pay for my fees. Because his mother refused to help us out financially. Her words "This is for Kanika's education, and she would benefit from it". I took a massive loan on my head and moved to Auckland. The night I had my flight, my husband asked me to pay his credit card bill which I refused. I was going alone to an unknown country, and I needed as much financial security as I could manage. My husband did not come to see me off at the airport. I had tears in my eyes, and hope in my heart that he will show up at the last moment. He didn't.

When I reached Singapore for a layover, I called him up. He picked up and said he didn't come because I did not call him again and request him to come. It was my fault. Like always. After a month, Nitin came to Auckland. He showered me with love and gifts. For 20 odd days. After that, I started getting on his nerves again. We lived in a studio apartment I paid for, where I wasn't allowed to enter while he was sleeping. I made the library at Massey my bedroom. Made friends there who would bring me dinner, and blankets. One night, when I refused to give Nitin an ipod (out of the two ipods), he broke my laptop I was making my assignment on. He hit  me too (well I'll save this one for later). He packed his bags and decided to leave me. I touched his feet and begged him not to leave me. I was pathetic. He still did. Kicked me, and left me. He came back a day later and asked me to apologise. I did. It was my fault. I should have given him the ipod he asked for, and not the other one.

We now moved to a bigger house. I had my own room. He had his own. He needed to sleep, and he needed his space. I was competing with laptops, play stations, xboxes, and his mother. How did I ever think I'll win something like this. I kept trying though. I tried really hard to keep up my grades, to maintain the house, to do everything a good wife does, and alongside work to pay off my loan (yes, nitin never helped me pay it off). It just was never enough. I was never a good wife. If one day I wouldn't cook, he would tell me I was a failure. I was a pathetic wife. After a few months, my husband needed space again. Space from his clingy wife. So, he decided to leave me in Auckland, and visit his family for 2 months. In these 2 months, I was blocked on whatsapp, and whenever he would feel like talking to me, he would call. I was like a puppy in love with someone who only paid attention to me when he wanted to. And I thought it was okay. Maybe that's how all marriages are. Maybe, if I endure all this, he will love me one day. Maybe, he will see the nights I have spent crying just for his love.

When he came back to Auckland, he said he will never leave me. Provided I do what I am told, I do not make friends, and I buy him what he asks for. Because after all, he paid my rent for 8 months. I, like a fool, thought this was okay. As long as stupid Kanika got love from her husband. But, these were just my attempts - buying him gaming pc that costed me 2 months of salary, to buying him xboxes that he broke to shut me up, to buying him TV's that he broke to again threaten me. Like he said, I was pathetic. It's true. I might not have been a pathetic wife. But I sure as hell was a pathetic human being, who after getting hit at least on 10 different occasions, being left on 4 different occasions thought that her husband would love her. How could he? It was never a two sided love story. It was just me trying to make someone fall in love with me. A failed attempt.

After all this, after multiple visa renewals, after multiple fake promises of being together forever, after calling me a bastard, a w***e, and so many different names, he left me again last year. Am I really that bad? Do I ask too much of a person? Am I actually too clingy? Is it wrong to love and wanted to be loved? These were the questions that played in my mind for a year when I cried myself to sleep every night for 8 months when my husband did not think how will my wife complete her studies. I cried so much that the tears in my eyes died. This year in February, I again helped him in getting his visa renewed. Despite every person warning me against it, despite every bone in my body asking me not to. I still helped him. Once again thinking he would now love me.

He came to Auckland in February, and within a week took the car from me and gave it to another female. A car I helped him pay off. A car I took care of when he wasn't here. A car I could have easily transferred to my name, but chose not to. He gave it to another female because he trusted her more than he trusted me. He saw me more independent this year, stronger, and unwilling to bend in front of him. He saw me make friends who I relied on. He saw me as an amazing driver who could drive over 100km without making a mistake. He saw someone who was ambitious enough to put herself first. And he couldn't take it. He said he loved me, and then left me once again. Within 7 days. All it took was 7 days for his love to go from 100% to -100%. After reaching India, he blamed me for getting him out of the country. Once again, stupid Kanika was told she wasn't enough. She just wasn't good enough. I was written letters of hatred from his mother, sisters, aunties just to let me know that I would rot in hell because I hurt Nitin. I have loved him so much that I always thought he would come back to me. But after all these months, he asked me to send him a ticket so he could come. I refused. I have been conned enough and I know how it is when there is no one to support you. Why is it that only I had to want him? Why couldn't he want me enough to be with me?

My life might look very flash to people on the outside. It isn't. I have had days and nights when I have not slept at all. I have had to work 80 hours a week just so I could pay off my education loan that my husband promised he would help me pay off. I have done jobs just to support myself. I have managed to write a part of my thesis and completed one degree. Am I proud of myself? Yes I am. I am proud of the person I have become. I am happy I have worked hard for everything and did not con my way like Nitin did. I cannot make someone take a loan of 35 lakhs, promise to help them out, and run away. I do not have the courage to look into the eyes of a mother and promise them to love their child, and still run away leaving them in problems. Yes, I loved him. Heaps. But I love myself too. I have had months where I had no one to talk to. I was scared of talking to anyone. He ripped me off my self respect, and courage. A girl who used to be always happy started thinking if she was even good enough to be friends with. I am still scared of meeting new people. I am still apprehensive of opening up my heart to anyone. I still spend days and nights over analysing situation and myself. I ask myself everyday "will I ever be enough for someone"?

He messages me almost daily. Asking me to come back to India. He says he loves me in one text, and says I am a w***e in the next. He abuses me for not coming back to India, but says he does this because he loves me and wants to be with me. He says he wants to have a family with me. It's been 5 years since I got married. I was a small town girl who was happy with what she had. All I ever wanted was love. All I ever wanted was 2 kids and a loving husband. That's all. Did I get that? Not yet. Do I cry thinking what happened to my life? I do. When I look at kids, when I look at wives getting dressed up on karwachauth, when I see husband post a loving message on facebook, when I see a couple walking in the mall, when I want to cuddle someone in the night, yes I cry. But that's ok. These years of my life have made me the strongest version of myself.

But that hasn't stopped my heart from beating. That still hasn't stopped me in believing in a happily ever after. Maybe just one day, I might run into someone who would see the good in me. Just maybe one day, my 'divorced' status would not matter to someone. But that's a story for another day. I still believe in love. I still believe in happy endings. I still am a hopelessly romantic girl. I still am waiting patiently to fall in love once again.

In all this, I want to thank my brother, and my best friend Kriti Misra, two people who have stuck with me through thick and thin. She is not my sister, but she means more to me than my sister, and more than she would ever know!

P.S. Some people won't love you no matter what you do. And some people won't stop loving you no matter what you do!